Humility

I am learning this really hard lesson in a very stressful way. I messed up my own life, and now I'm paying for it. I'm caught in the crossfire. I'm having flashbacks to a childhood I have fought so hard to forget. I am hurting for my friends, because I know how this is affecting them. At the same time, I am having a hard time staying out of the crossfire. It's everywhere I go. It's at work too. I'm not sure how that is my fault, but the fault was made mine. I'm either gonna scream, or I'm gonna sob, but I'm going to emote soon, and I'm scared of it. I'm at a point where I have been before, and I'm hiding it pretty well. I got myself into this. I have to either figure out how to deal, or get out. There's a reason I'm here and I know my lesson is looming, but I am not patient. So I figure, that is one of my lessons built in for good measure and torture. In all of this, I am honing in on my Savior.
¹⁰ He says, “Be still, and know that I am God; 
   I will be exalted among the nations, 
   I will be exalted in the earth.”
Psalms 46:10.
Listening to His voice comforts me, soothes me, and revives me. It's hard to hear it sometimes over the bologna in life, but I'm sure trying to listen harder. I have no choice. I'm gonna explode.

Until next time, peace and love

May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.

Spiritual Thanksgiving

Since the last time we met, I donated my hair, and DESPISED the cut I received. So, I got it fixed(courtesy of my sister), and I LOVE it. It's edgy, professional, and my age. I had bouffant hair to begin with. I've had some ups and downs, specifically in the financial realm. Hopefully I balance out soon. I digress.
So, I have been deep in prayer for the past 8-9 weeks in regard to my faith appetite. I was spiritually healthy, but even on a balanced diet, you still need something sweet. Whether that be fruit, or a little chocolate here or there, it releases the endorphins you need to keep your health. My sweet tooth has not been satisfied. So what's a girl to do? Go to God and lay it at his feet. I gave it to him and he slowly showed me a direction to some sweet goodness. It took some time though, because my next prayer was for courage to satisfy that sweet tooth.
**sidebar** Sweets=welcoming congregation
My diet was balanced, and I was getting my fill. I was learning and growing, but I had a weight on my shoulders because I couldn't be me. The denomination does not accept homosexuality. If I had a nickel for every time I heard that I could "pray the gay away", I would not have any financial woes. I have prayed till I was blue in the face for God to make me "normal" or "straight". He didn't change me in that arena. He answered my prayer in a way that I wasn't expecting. I could feel His arms around me as directed me to Genesis 1:27; So God created human beings in his own image. In the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.(NLT). So, I took that as God didn't make a mistake, and this isn't a curse. I was made this way for a reason. Now my goal was to find more people like me. People who have spoken with God and learned that we are "born this way"(Thank you Lady Gaga). I found a list of churches across Colorado that were either "reconciling congregations" or "welcoming congregations", but I found one that just lit up my rainbow heart. Metro Community Church of the Rockies. They're neither of the aforementioned groups. They are primarily a gay congregation. *double take* Chyeah! So I made the decision, after sleeping through my alarm last week for church, that today, Sunday, I would try MCCR. I tried to figure out the words to tell Momma²... I couldn't muster either the courage or the words to tell her. So after I got out of church, and so did my family of the heart, I met them at Chipotle to break the news. Don't get me wrong, I love worshiping with my family of the heart, but I was sure glad they understood when I told them I felt spiritually satisfied after attending MCCR. And let me tell you, once you've had your Thanksgiving style spiritual meal, you feel refreshed--as well as armed when you need strength. Let's just say an encounter happened with one of my "least of these" today. I kept my cool, and never even acknowledged this person's presence--outwardly anyway. It was easy! My heart didn't race. My nails weren't digging into my palms. My toes weren't curling in rage. I merely directed my attention to something else and went about my day. *whew!*
I feel better now, and I feel stronger. As long as I keep with it, I'll be back in shape in no time!

Until next time, peace and love

May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.

With A Somber Heart

Today is my beloved Papaw's Heaven day.

I miss him more and more as the years pass. He lived a great life. He served in WWII. He married my amazing Mimi. He gave life to my amazing Pop, and my wonderful Aunt Sissy. He loved God, and read to me from the Bible every chance he got. He read to me the World Book encyclopedia. He taught me how to be myself. He helped to mold me into the woman I have become. October 3, 2004 was a day that changed my life forever.
I remember every detail of when I got the call. Pop and I weren't really on very good terms at all, but because it involved Papaw, I was willing to talk. I was in Branson, MO. My mom has taken us on a weekend trip, and we stayed at the Days Inn. When Pop called that Saturday morning to tell me he wasn't doing well, my mom said to just enjoy our trip, because all we would do was sit around and worry. We enjoyed the day, had a great night, and that Sunday, Pop called again. This time, the news was very different. I could hear the pain and tears in my father's voice. I'd only heard that one other time. "He's gone. He's out of pain now. He's with God." I collapsed in sobs. Instead of seeking God in my time of grief, I sought other outlets.
I sunk into my deepest depression on record. I was rude, insensitive, obnoxious, and most of all, mean. I found ways to "relieve" my emotional pain. All I did was hurt people, myself, but most importantly, God. Sure, I kept in character, and went to church, and did everything else the same, but I was going through the motions. I didn't mean any of it. I was hiding from God, and although He was seeking me, I did everything I could to avoid Him. I tried to rebuild my relationship with my dad, but the wounds were still too fresh. I know that every single time I took a blade to my skin, God wept. I know that every single time I did a pill a "friend" said would make me feel good, God wept. I was 15, and my spiritual rebellion was merely beginning. God already knew what I had in store for me, but I didn't get to rock bottom until a year later. Within a matter of 5 months, I lost my Papaw, I was disowned by my father, and I was uprooted from my home and moved to a completely different time zone. Deeper, and deeper I sank. It wasn't until March of 2006 that God got a hold of me. I didn't acknowledge Him as the seeker, but it was Him all along. A teacher reported me for a poem I'd written. She was worried that I was a danger to myself. She didn't realize how right she was, until my psych eval. Things changed for the better. I felt so ashamed that I had let a death get to me so deeply, more so that I didn't choose the right path to get out of the hole. Fast forward to 2011.
I gave my heart to Jesus on January 16, 2011. I felt like my angels from Heaven were closer to me than ever before. Now that I am back in the game, I know that I will see those angels again soon. Until then I know that God has my infantry of angels holding me, guiding me, and protecting me--every step of the way. Thank you God for giving me a "new and improved" Papaw, who is always with me. I miss your singing Papaw, and when I get to Heaven, we will both "sing and shout the victory!"

Until next time, peace and love

May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.

Perspective.

I found something that I hadn't expected to find today--a gray hair. IN MY HEAD. That, ladies and gents, is how you know you've been entirely too stressed. Just a glimpse as to how stressed I am: I am SO excited to have oral surgery in October--just to get a week off. I am trying to learn my way in life, love, and Christ, but in every moment of my life, I seem to lose one of the three.

I took a break from blogging, because I entered my cocoon of introversion. I wasn't feeling up to letting anyone in. Since my last post, I got new ink. Momma² came with, to conquer her fears. She says it's one tattoo, I say it's two, so we compromised on my latest total is 5 1/2. I was asked by someone, "At what point are you planning on stopping?" I don't. Some, like Momma², are phenomenal at scrap-booking. I envy that passion and talent. I liken my tattoos to my scrapbook. I have a memory for each one. I have a meaning behind each one. My deadliest sin, my heritage, my values, my homage to find a cure, and my power verse. My tattoos are therapy. Definitely not a therapist I can see routinely, but the ink never stops listening.
A little back story on my new ink:
When I am really stressed, or scared, or insecure(or all three), my Momma tells me to throw on my Wonder Woman cuffs and keep fighting. Hence, the placement.
Next, the context is my favorite verse in the Bible.
1 Corinthians 13:13 "And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." Get it?
This verse gives me the strength to trust God, and fight with the strength He gave me.
 Thus, my power verse, becomes my Wonder Woman cuffs.

 This year, though it isn't over, has been quite the roller coaster. It's been a year of healing, transformation, and modification. I have gained strength that I didn't know was fathomable for me. I have learned which battles are worth fighting, and which ones are better left alone. Believe it, or not, I have learned how to hold my tongue. I may have learned this technique, however, I have not mastered the execution of such. Baby steps.

 I don't know where I'll end up in this life, but I know one thing for sure; as long as I keep my faith, carry on hope, and love with everything I have, I will make it after all.

Until next time, peace and love

May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.

Letter To The Past.

I've been reflecting lately, and I have drafted a letter in my head. It is to bid farewell to the past. Don't assume you are in this. These are directed at memories in my head. I have told anyone and everyone how I feel about them, and this is not intended to be mean. It's my blog, and I am venting. again, don't assume, but if you must, then stop reading and just go back to your life. Here goes.






In my life, there are certain memories of that have since left my mind. When I dance in my underwear and sing into a plastic spork, I can't place something I did
with you. When I cook dinner in my underwear, I don't have a memory for you.
When I lie in bed at night, I can hear my neighbor, and not you grinding your
teeth and snoring simultaneously. I have a feng shui apartment, that doesn't have
any resemblance to how YOU arranged it--except that feces brown wall. Man, I
was a fool for you. Now, you're someone else's fool. You are dead to me. I was
shocked. I was sad. I mourned. Now, you are gone, and I am just fine with it. I
have let you walk all over me. I have let you steam roll me. I have let you control
me. I have let you assault me. I have let you batter me. I have let you love me. I
have let you hate me. All of these things that I have done, pale nothing in
comparison to the fact that you WANTED to do all of these things, and
succeeded. In this life, I will never doubt that you love me. But at the same time, I
don't know that you yet understand that love--still. So with that, instead of taking
a step back and realizing that maybe, just maybe this isn't how it's supposed to
go, you just go with it. I admire it, yet I hate it. You haven't "ruined my life" like a
teenager would say. You have given me indirect wisdom, that I will pass on. For
that, I am regrettably grateful. My life without you in it may seem the same, but it
is different. I am a much stronger, more driven, and more self-reliant than I ever
was with you around. Keep your distance, please, for I have no need for your
closeness any longer.

I feel better now XD  (colors in accordance with the Blogger rainbow)

Until next time, peace and love

May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.

Stand On The Promises You Hold Dear

Phenomenal Woman

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies. I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size But when I start to tell them, They think I'm telling lies. I say, It's in the reach of my arms The span of my hips, The stride of my step, The curl of my lips. I'm a woman Phenomenally. Phenomenal woman, That's me. I walk into a room Just as cool as you please, And to a man, The fellows stand or Fall down on their knees. Then they swarm around me, A hive of honey bees. I say, It's the fire in my eyes, And the flash of my teeth, The swing in my waist, And the joy in my feet. I'm a woman Phenomenally. Phenomenal woman, That's me. Men themselves have wondered What they see in me. They try so much But they can't touch My inner mystery. When I try to show them They say they still can't see. I say, It's in the arch of my back, The sun of my smile, The ride of my breasts, The grace of my style. I'm a woman Phenomenally. Phenomenal woman, That's me. Now you understand Just why my head's not bowed. I don't shout or jump about Or have to talk real loud. When you see me passing It ought to make you proud. I say, It's in the click of my heels, The bend of my hair, the palm of my hand, The need of my care, 'Cause I'm a woman Phenomenally. Phenomenal woman, That's me.

--Dr. Maya Angelou.

I love this poem, because it enhances the idea that God made me for exactly who I am. Dr. Angelou is a big source of inspiration for me, because she is just as this poem describes. She has a connection with God, and it empowers her to be a feminist. This poem encourages me to be me, just how God wants me to be. With that being said, I must turn your attention to a blog that I read, Joe.My.God. I will promote his site, but not post the video that is embedded. 

I posted the video on Twitter and Facebook a few days ago, through his blog. I refuse to give them the sharing credits from You Tube, and I have also reported the video to You Tube, to no avail. This video, shows what kind of bad publicity that us "bible thumpers" get. I don't care on which side of the isle you sit, how you believe, or how you practice. 99% of us can agree that this is not the kind of stuff we want our friends and families experiencing. America, meet your domestic terrorists.

These are NOT real Christians. They are debunking scripture, and quite honestly, if they keep growing, will bring the gullible people down with them. They are vultures, preying on people who are better than them, people who have a stronger relationship with God than them. They are the modern day Pharisees and it makes my stomach churn. I guess the feeling seems to be mutual, because I make theirs turn. Why? I believe in a LOVING God. I believe in a FORGIVING God. I am a GAY Christian. I SUPPORT our uniformed service members. I refuse to let them die in vain because this "church" might picket their funeral. And let me just say this; I will need Jesus if they show up at my church(again), at Denver Pridefest(again), or anything that pertains to my daily life. Jesus will help me remain the aforementioned Phenomenal Woman that I happen to be. Without Him, I will end up in jail. They talk big about God's wrath, and they will be the people that experience that wrath first hand.

To Fred Phelps and your army of minions:

I pray that God has mercy on your souls. Don't count on it.

*steps off of soapbox*

Until next time, peace and love

May the road rise to meet you,

May the wind be always at your back.

May the sun shine warm upon your face,

The rains fall soft upon your fields.

And until we meet again,

May God hold you in the palm of his hand.

How Do You Talk To An Angel?

Well, really, all you have to do is say their name and they will be listening. That is, if you are, in fact, trying to talk to an actual angel. God taught me a lesson this last week, that He loves me no. matter. what. He showed me in the form of bringing one of His children home. My stepdad, Kevin, was beckoned home on April 30, 2011. Now for those of you that know me, you know that he and I had a bond, but it wasn't like you would think. We are dueling personalities. We both have the mentality of, "I know I'm right". Because he got his life back on track, and because he got right with God, we grew closer. It helps having someone in similar shoes. But I have to give credit where it is due, and this man had something that kept him around, even when problems arose; he loved my mom. Did they have a storybook romance? Heavens no! But, they loved each other. I even mentioned it at his funeral. No matter what happened, he loved my mom, and I loved him for it. For the week leading up to the funeral on Friday, I had no idea as to how to wrap my brain around this. So in my fog of confusion, I prayed for God to make me understand this lesson. Kevin knew what it was like to be completely right with God, and he knew what it was like to run, too. He got me in that area. He quit running 13 months before he died. Nobody is perfect, and know that of all people, I understand that. If God still opened His arms to Kevin, then he will still do the same for me. no. matter. what. I am learning what it is like to run to Jesus, rather than from, when times get tough. Sure, it seems easier to run away, but you know what, I would rather run to my friend that will NEVER leave me. That being said, I know Kevin is smiling down on his family, knowing that even up until the very end, we all loved him, for who he was, where he was, and for just being true to himself and God. Every time I hear a song we listened to, together, I will smile. Even if there is a tear in my eye, I will smile. One day, I hope to love, and be loved, like he and my mom did. It was a love I don't quite understand yet, but even in the bad times, or when they were apart, they still loved each other. no. matter. what. Just like God. We miss you Big D, and we can't wait to see what you've got cookin' for us on your grill in the clouds. :)


Until next time, peace and love

May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.

Peace.

Peace is something that, if you have even met me for a second, you know means a LOT to me. Inner peace. Familial peace. World peace. Social peace. Political peace. So when that becomes truth, even for a fleeting moment, my heart flutters. I find peace in some of the most random acts. Driving, most days, brings me peace, because even as a newborn, the hum of an engine is both soothing, and comforting. Reading a good book brings me peace, because I get lost in a different world, and my imagination is in hyperdrive, for reasons beyond my control. Getting body modification brings me peace, because I'm creating a new expression of my inner self, as well as escaping reality. (Seems fitting that I have a peace sign on my back, huh?) Seeing a pattern here? When I can escape my reality, even if for a moment, I am somewhere else, away from it all. Sometimes, I don't even have to leave my bed. I find peace when I am at one with my Creator, because with Him, I am perfect. I have no worries. I have no regrets. I have no past. I am not flawed. No one can intervene. In a good portion of the places I find peace, I feel closest to my Creator. It's a circle(insert "I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry") that I never want to break. I could do without the unrest, but it makes the peace so much more worth it. Peace. My anti-drug.(cliche?)

Until next time, peace and love

May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.

Feelin' Some Poetic Vibes...

I may not have rhythm, and I may not be a rapper, but I can write a poem, so maybe the beat in my head will match it. Here goes!


The Woman I Have Become
Do you know the female over there?
That girl who hides it all, with a smile?
You'd never guess the hell she has endured.
The tests of Faith, the trials of life.
You can't see her scars, because she won't let you.
She's got them, trust and believe.
The things she has seen, you'd never believe.
The things she has done, you'd pooh-pooh.
She just shows the good.
She shows you that she has it together.
She shows you her armor, though it's disguised as grace.
Grace. She could use some of that.
Her peace signs are a form of prayer.
She shows everyone she meets.
She prays for peace within and around her.
Peace is something that is truly foreign to her.
She's getting acquainted, however.
Learning.
Failing.
Rebounding.
Succeeding.
Falling.
Living.

© megyoung. 2011

Until next time, peace and love

May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.

Do Whatcha' Say...

So, that phone call on Friday really threw me for a loop. It was good to hear from a friend, but it threw everything that was on kilter, off. I had to confess it all and it was weird, because even when God knows everything, just like an earthly parent, He wants to hear it from you. So I was metaphorically prostrate. This morning, I almost was. I got a text that shook my foundation yet again. Different person, and different circumstance but still, rocking was done. Today, was a trying day.
Yesterday, was quite blissful. I enjoyed sleeping without an alarm to interrupt. I enjoyed celebrating the life of my FAVE 6 year old. I got to drive a SICK 'Stang. I had a great conversation with Amber that I am eager to continue. I got all but one load of laundry done. I ate DELICIOUS sushi. I rocked at pool. I slept another night without an alarm, yet still was up in time for church. Great Saturday.
Sunday, well it started well. God didn't let me stay in my fantasy world, a.k.a. "All up in my head". No sir, the tears began in the 2nd song. I was having a sob fest, praying for my friend, and praying for a soul that I pray gets direction. It's easy to talk the talk, but are you actually walking with Him? The theme today was giving it all to Him. As in literally, nailing it to the cross to go with God. So I made a list and nailed it to the cross. I pray that the list becomes less of a weight on my shoulders because it's what's keeping me from drawing nearer to Christ.
I was almost prostrate, physically, at church because I was letting it all go. After letting it all go, and I was a mess (you should have seen the mascara playground on my face), the two ladies sitting next to me asked if they could pray with me. Deb and Dorothy. They prayed for me, indirectly due to my privacy, as my tears fell and my nose ran. I needed to feel His mercy through complete strangers.
When I got downstairs to Momma², worry took her face when she saw my tear soaked face and blood shot eyes. I told her what was on my heart. As my eyes regained their whites, my phone rang. Lana was calling to tell me of her despair. We are working to get something figured out for her.
My house is much cleaner. All of my clothes are clean. My stove has been thoroughly deep cleaned. Grievances nailed to the cross. Accomplished. Finally.
Challenge: Make an extra effort to further your faith everyday. I'm going to be, will you? Now if I could just remember to take home my butter braids...

Although Your Foundation Shakes, Keep Your Faith Solid.

Solid as a rock. Let that foundation shake! Keep that faith in tact, and you'll go far!
I am repeating that in my head right now. I haven't had the words to blog lately, and now I do. It's not an angry blog, but it's definitely a humdinger.
I received a text tonight informing me that I would be getting a phone call, one that I never anticipated, nor expected. It was intended to be light hearted, and informative, but I cried the whole time. My "least of these" and I had a 15 minute conversation that made everything real on my end. Taking myself out of the situation and just talking to him, I realized reality and it shook my foundation. I heard that tone I had heard during our last heart to heart, and it scared me. It is still scaring me. I'm praying that my gut instinct is wrong on this one. He is not well. With that being said, I need all of my readers to pray/send good energy/bless/insert action here for/to my friend. He flipped his life upside down, and I want for my friend to overcome this, and not succumb to this. As Momma² says, prayer cover engage! I am grateful for all y'all and I am giving you good energy and prayer in return!
Until next time, peace and love

May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.

When Did I Become An Adult?

I'm signing life insurance forms. I am filling out health/dental enrollment forms. I am naming beneficiaries for my affairs. I'm reevaluating my tax withholdings. I am drafting a will, because I have no dependents. SMH. I don't recall this happening. I don't recall the change. If I were ever a thumb sucker, I'd curl up with my blankie and my thumb and not face the world. However, I have not ever sucked my thumb and my blankie is LONG gone. So, I will just make myself a cocktail, sit in my very own apartment, and wonder, where did it all go, and where will my future take me. Sometimes you just need to get a recharge, and I am so excited for mine. Lookout Mountain, here I come! Well, as soon as Saturday gets here.

Until next time, peace and love

May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.

Ok, No More Angry Blogs.

Maybe some Angry Birds, but no more angry blogs. Well, no more once a week posts that are angry. I have actually had a decent week, or so, and I've been feeling quite a bit better. I still have my downs, but it wouldn't be life without them. I have been praying a lot about closure. Complete and utter fire proof safe closure. I have been getting subtle answers. Well, to me they are subtle, because I'm still learning how to hear His voice over the others in my head. He's been showing me the mistakes I made, and the things I did right. I had a realization, like just now, as to why I fell SO hard. I grew to love her, but in the beginning, it was the fear of being alone.
I must admit it's been fun
But that's no reason to jump the gun
If this is real time will tell
So let me bite my tongue and remind myself

So don't say that word
Not the one we both heard too much
You may think you do but you don't
It's just the fear of being alone--"The Fear of Being Alone" Reba McEntire
If that song would have been in my head in January 2010, I would have never dropped the "L" bomb. Shoulda. Coulda. Woulda. They moved out a LONG time ago. However, I realize that mistake and I know, now, how to not make that mistake again. Live and learn, right?
I learned that because I am terrified of being alone forever, I am gullible enough to believe anyone that will promise me the world. No matter how big the lie is. That doesn't sound very strong to me, does it to you? I know that with God, I will never be alone, but companionship is always awesome :). I need to build my foundation with Him before I try to build a house. A house built on sand will never stand, right? So why would I waste the materials without a foundation----AGAIN?
I have learned that in this life, absolutely nothing is static aside from death, taxes, and above all, God. So I know that these ebbs and flows will subside. I also know that ANYTHING could change in the blink of an eye. So for now, I am giving it to God, and being a sheep. As a wise woman told me, I'm hanging it on God, and telling Him to take control. I'm not challenging Him, because I have made that mistake too many times before.
I told you I'd be more positive :)

Until next time, peace and love

May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.

I'm Doin' Alright, For The Shape I'm In

So, I have this irritant. It's one of those things that gets under my skin. That thing is judgment, and frankly I'm sick of it.
Point: My actions have no right in your mouth to come out as judgment. I don't care how you believe, in each doctrine, faith, creed, whatever, they teach you to not judge(as far as I am concerned). It's a commandment in Christianity and I realize that I, too, am guilty of this, but I am actively working on it. Not that it's any of your business, thank you very much. I understand the need to look at someone you care about and say, "Wow you're gonna regret that", or "Wow, I wish you wouldn't do that". What I do, is between me, and my Creator. Just because I make it known, does NOT mean that you can say whatever you want to me. I don't really care who you are to me. If I want your opinion, I will ask. That makes me sound like a bitch, but you know what, it's the truth. If I come to you trying to(as I put it) "bounce some ideas off of you", then that is when you are permitted to tell me how you feel. I am sick and tired of being criticized for MY LIFE. I am an adult, although I sound like a pissy teenager right now, and I need to make my own way. No, I have no idea what I'm doing, but neither did you at my age, and if I want to know about how you got through it, I will ask.
I realize I am 22, and stupid, because if a 22 year old isn't making stupid decisions, said young adult isn't living in reality. With that being said, the only thing that is helping me keep my head, is the Serenity Prayer. If you don't know it, here it is, and say it with me:
God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.


Until next time, peace and love

May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.

A Couple of the Aformentioned Tines

How do you know what is right? How do you know what is wrong? Our parents(most anyway) teach us from the beginning of how to know right from wrong. Regardless of religion, faith, creed, race, or nationality, we're all taught morals. I judge right and wrong, by feeling. Some people, say that doing what "feels right" is a sin. There's a difference between feeling good, and feeling right. Sometimes, they combine, and it's a terrific emotion.
Something that stops me dead in my tracks, is when someone tells me I am wrong, or rather, my actions are wrong. What is right for me, may not be right for you, but just as I respect your right to follow your morals, you should also respect mine. I don't have to agree with you, and you don't have to agree with me. You just have to accept the fact that I, too, have free will.
Another thing, is that I realize that satan uses scripture to justify sins. There's a difference in justifying, and defending. I have used scripture for justification before, but now, I use it for comfort, inspiration, and defense.
I have a battle raging in my head right now, that has been a moot point for 5 years. I wonder if I'm letting it get the best of me, or if maybe, just maybe, I really could be wrong. If you know me AT ALL, that last sentence was very difficult to type.


Until next time, peace and love

May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.

The Proverbial Fork in the Road

So, I've been slacking on my blogging, and my psyche is telling me all about it. By the time I got to church this morning, I was so up in my head that God spoke to me in a way that I don't like to hear His voice. He informed me that although I knew why I was supposed to be there, that was not my reasoning for being there. In His stern, parental, voice, He told me to get my reasoning right, or go back home. I have been ebbing and flowing this week like none other, and instead of facing it, I've been quieting the voices in my head. I have reached the proverbial fork in the road, and as I told Momma² this morning, it feels more like a rake, with so many tines, that I can't seem to figure out which one I want.
I don't like getting angry. Yes, it feels good to release the frustration, but I turn into a monster. If you know me at all, that monster has a name. She is an ugly soul. I don't like when she takes over. I found her too many times in the last week. Rather, she has found me, and I have let her in. Once God told me to get out of my head, I realized that she had reared her ugly head, and with that, I had made extremely poor decisions.
So, when the choir was leaving the sanctuary, God moved my body to look at my phone. Momma² noticed I wasn't me, so she texted me and asked if she needed to come and sit with me. I have learned recently, when help is offered, you take it. So I told her, yes. It was just what the doctor ordered. I needed a good ol' Momma² hug.
I am running fast, away from something, instead of facing it head on. Problem is, I don't know what I'm running from. More to the point, I don't know which tine to face head on, first.


Until next time, peace and love

May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.

The Sacrament of Marriage.

Before I start, I want to say, Momma(the first one =]), please know that I am not trying to make you feel badly for the choices that had to be made. I know anything different would have made me a different person, that I don't know that I'd want to be. Thank you for molding me.
 
Have you ever wanted something so badly, that you're terrified of getting it? Have you ever craved something so much you could sense it(i.e. feel, taste, hear, see)? Yeah, me too. That thing for me is marriage. The only problem, I'm terrified of it. I'm terrified of knowing I could be just another statistic. Before I go any further, just letting you all know that this has nothing to do with whether or not I have the right to marry whomever I choose. It's about marriage in general. I am petrified of divorce. I am a child of divorce. I know what it does to a kid. I also know that what might have happened, had my parents remained married, would have been worse. I know that the relationship I was in, ended because God was showing me that I am nowhere near ready for a marriage. If I entered into the sacrament of marriage when I wanted to, I would have tainted it worse than any human being could imagine. I would not have cheated. I would not have dishonored my partner in any physical way. I would have dishonored my partner in mental ways. I crave to settle down, but I am not yet ready to be tamed.
Marriage, a blessed event that binds two souls together in a spirit-filled bond. Until I reached adulthood, I had not yet seen a marriage that lasted. And if I had, it was a second, or sometimes third, marriage. No one I knew got it right on the first try. That was until I realized my uncle's roommate, was actually his husband. I realized that I had an example of a marriage right in front of me. Regardless of rights, they are married in spirit. They have been together almost as long as I have been alive. As an adult, I have come to know them as a married couple. Another married couple I have come to know, and love, are my church family, my Momma² and the Super Dad of 5. They're not perfect by any stretch of the imagination. As conceited as this sounds, I'll never forget something that I said to Momma² about a year ago. I told her that she and her husband are an inspiration to me. I also said I hoped to have a love and relationship like that someday. I was, of course, referring to the relationship of the moment, but I learned that God wants the same for me; a lasting relationship built on a strong foundation of faith, hope, and love.
Divorce. A word, and practice, so common in American English, that 50% of the population has experienced and every human over the age of 6 knows the word. Think about the children of the 50% who have been divorced. You have to wonder, is two Christmases worth the agony of your parents fighting? One would hope that with divorce, comes a proverbial "calming of the waters" within the now broken family. Lies. There are, of course, exceptions to every rule but in my experience,the fights continue with different subject matter, yet identical intensity. Divorce is one of my worst fears for myself, because I plan on building a family. However, I refuse to bring children into a marriage that is doomed from the start. Marriage and children are huge leaps of faith. And Lord knows, my faith is not yet that strong. But at the same time, I have to remember to "not let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game". I repeat: I am PETRIFIED of divorce. To me, divorce equates giving up, but at the same time, for some, it is a resolution to a problem that started with a doomed-from-the-start marriage. So, what is the perfect marriage? How do you know without a shadow of a doubt that this one person is going to be yours forever? I know the answer to this question is as relative as "the meaning of life", but I need some perspective. I know marriage is in my future. I am okay with the unknown involved in that. The question is, how do I conquer the fear of divorce? Not only that, but how do I define my deal breakers without being "unattainable"? And above all, how do I keep the essence of me in the midst?

Until next time, peace and love

May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face

The Grace Card

We all have a "least of these" and showing them compassion and mercy is a challenge, but a rewarding challenge. But what about grace? What the heck is grace? I was schooled last night. It involves the compassion and mercy. It surpasses a description existing in my vocabulary. Action is grace. I highly recommend "The Grace Card" as a family movie. It is PG-13 for some violence, but it's easily something a child's eyes can be covered for. It definitely opens up conversation. My Special K went and saw it with me, and my "least of these" was also there. I thanked him. He was taken aback as to why I would be grateful to him. I told him, thank you for not giving up. I don't know how I'd react if I lost a friend. The Grace Card that the movie gets it's title from is written in child like cursive. It's old, it's rugged, but it's real. It goes a little something like this: 

I promise to pray for you every day, ask your forgiveness, grant you the same, and be your friend always.

So, how many people in your life need grace? Are you able to show your "least of these" grace? I challenge you to commit this to one person. i ask only one, but if you can manage more, please do. The Grace Card is a powerful commitment, but it's worth it. It truly redefines, "do unto others". There ya go. That's all I've got today :)

Until next time, peace and love

May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.

Wish

If wishes were fishes
I'd have the whole sea.
You wouldn't have stayed gone
You'd have ran back to me.
But wishes aren't fishes
Instead more like a flea.
They itch and irritate
Just like you to me.
So listen closely my dear,
I refuse to let you break me.
I threw you out with the trash
Just like you to me.
I pray you learn the truth.
I pray for you daily.
I firmly believe you to be pure evil
For you, I almost sacrificed my sanity.
You know, someone told me you were evil.
I was blinded by your "Christianity"
satan must know it best
To be able to betray it truly.
My wishes aren't fishes
Because I'm right where I need to be.
But remember in all that you do
I will still be me, phenomenally.
2/24/11

If One Person Benefits, I Will Feel Accomplished.

If your partner hits you, what would you do? Would you leave them? Would you go to counseling with them? Would you pray to God it never happened again? Would you stay and work through it with the help of a licensed professional, or would you just put faith in a human being who has fallen short? What would you do?
Let's look at it from a difficult angle. Your partner has a disrespectful way of talking to you. Is it condescending? Would you rather them hit you because it would be over more quickly? Do you let them walk all over you with freshly sharpened spurs? Would you leave? Would you go to counseling with them? Would you pray to God it never happened again? What would you do?
Here's another angle. Has your partner ever made you do something you didn't want to do, to which you objected? Told you, "if you love me, you'll _______". Have you given in, because you believed that this person loves you, and wouldn't do anything to hurt you? What would you do?
Now let's get hypothetical. Let's say this has been happening for awhile. Let's say you watched them do this to someone else before they were your partner. Let's say you let them walk all over you because you're so blinded in "love" that you are obedient to their every whim. You'd "catch a grenade" for them. Would they do the same? They take advantage of this "love" and tell you after they have hurt you that they, too, love you and that they "don't know what came over" them. Have you heard it? Have you said it? Do you even know it's happening?

STOP! THERE'S A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LOVE, AND RESPECT.

I have seen it happen, people do in fact change. Do not mistake me, I do believe in love. I believe in the transforming effect that love can have. I also believe that with love, comes respect. One must respect their partner. Playing into one's Oedipus complex is not being respected. Just as love, abuse knows no gender. THIS IS ABUSE.
Don't believe me? Ask someone. Take a poll on the street. I've been there done that. Yes, couples argue. Yes, they disagree. An argument or disagreement should NEVER lead to violence, or disrespect. If your partner needs their Oedipus complex fed, tell them to go back home to Momma and Daddy. We are put on this earth to love, and parent our young(however they may come to us). We are not put here to raise an adult. If you are entering into an adult relationship, then you should both act like adults. If you are not a whole, complete person entering into it, you will be the same broken person when you aren't in it.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Unfortunately. But YOU CAN GET OUT. If you've left once, you can leave again. Because just like them, you too can become a repeat offender. LEAVE. Just because they sucked you in, doesn't mean you can't let go. Trust me. There is someone even better than the best times you've had with that person. Guilt, is mental abuse. Shame, is emotional abuse. Touching, hitting, punching, is physical abuse. "If you love me then you'll ______", is (usually) sexual abuse. Respect yourself and leave. If they want you badly enough, they will learn to respect you, in tandem with loving you. They have to earn you. You are a prize. You won the race in the very beginning. You are a winner. You are chosen. Wanna know what love really is? Forget what ya' heard. Here's what I know:

1 Corinthians 13

 ¹ If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. ² If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. ³ If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.
 ⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
 ⁸ Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. ⁹ For we know in part and we prophesy in part, ¹⁰ but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. ¹¹ When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. ¹² For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
 ¹³ And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.


Take it to heart. If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship and can't get out, call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline at 1.800.799.SAFE (7233). It does get better.

Until next time, peace and love

May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.

My Least of These...

So after all of my picture burning, I finished my week, and, boy, it couldn't end fast enough. Got my new phone, but Thursday, I missed the bus, and Friday I plain overslept. Thursday got better because I had a great friend over for dinner. I thought I had lost her in the "divorce", but it was the exact opposite. We had a great evening and great conversation. We cleared the air, and everything is peachy again! Friday, was ugh. I even wore my slippers to work because I was so frazzled. Girls night was just the ticket. The lovely Paige and I went to Hamburger Mary's and Charlie's and we had a BLAST. I needed a night to let loose and she was happy to provide. I had not had such a great night out, literally, since she and I went to Tracks well over a year ago. I'm so glad that we are able to function platonically(LOL). Makes for a better relationship as a whole. I've missed spending time with her and I'm sick to know how she was treated when I wasn't looking. But, that's water under the bridge. Saturday I had a lead on a car, but it was sold right under me, while I was on my way. So we went to lunch, and then later went to D&B for some gaming. Mads and her BIFF, Kat, came back to my house and Mads cooked breakfast. YUM. I went to church, and I was invigorated by the spirit. A few tear ups, but I was in awe of the spirit. The topic was leaving a legacy. It really made me think about what kind of a legacy I will leave. I don't have any assets, so although I need a will for my final wishes, I have nothing really materialistic to leave. How do I want to be remembered? Do I want to be remembered for being spiteful and vengeful? Do I want to be remembered for being loving and compassionate? I'll take the latter. I've been working on that because I don't want to be that person that no one wants to be around because I am so mean. I will always be honest, do not be mistaken, but a little less brutal is always nice.
Momma², it's probably best if you stop here. Should you choose not to, I can't be held responsible for what I'm about to say. Don't say I didn't warn you. 
As I said in a previous post, I wanted the mercy and compassion to flow through me when I spoke to my new "least of these". I wondered how I would make the love flow through. Who am I to judge? I don't agree with him, but who am I to judge? He is still my friend. If I were in the mental space in which he resides right now, the last thing I would need is my friends abandoning me. Do unto others, as you would have them to do unto you. So, I did just that. I know what mental darkness is. I used to reside there, receive my mail there, and quite frankly, it's ugly. I can't, in good faith, stand back and watch that happen to someone else. Again, I don't agree, but who am I to judge? He has brought a lot of my demons to light, inadvertently, and without that, I wouldn't be the person I am now. He's like a brother to me. because he brought me back to Christ. I looked him in the eye, and told him, "Do not be that phone call. Whatever you do, no matter how dark it gets, DO NOT GIVE UP. It's a cowardly way out, and I do not want that phone call." He stared at me and started to cry. He asked me, "Will I lose you?" I looked at him, and said, "It takes a lot more than a mistake to get rid of me. If God can love a wretch like me, why can't I show love to you?" It's true. I finished with this: "You are going to get through this. This mountain is going to be a difficult one to climb, but you will get to the other side. You'll reach the top and be ecstatic, because you made it through. After that, you'll run down the other side. There will be storms along the ascent, but you will come out of them. I'm a text away, and now even a BBM(BlackBerry Messenger) away. I respect your privacy, as well as theirs, and I am here for you. I promise. If anyone knows the darkness in your head right now, it's me. There are things I will take to the grave, but let me tell you, this darkness will go away. You just have to have faith. He brought you to it, and He will get you through it. DON'T GIVE UP. Love you, bro". I got a smirk from the BBM comment. He hugged me and I went on my way. It feels like the right thing to do. Show compassion. Pray for the weary, and love them for where they're at(as my Momma says).

Until next time, peace and love

May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.

Ashes To Ashes, Dust To Dust

Dear *****,
   I have let you go. My hard drive is clean of your face. My home, clean of your photos. My mind, erased. My home, blessed and renewed. You have no power over me any longer. I have forgiven you. I have let go of any dream you ever allowed me to be a part of. I have let go of everything you have ever given me. I have let go of everything you took with you when you left, not excluding, my material possessions, my money, my sanity, my personality, and my life. But there is something that you don't know. You know how much you love country music? Do you know how much I love country music? People who don't like country think it's all about a "tear in my beer, and I'm crying for you dear", right? Well, Modern country is a little better than that. A girl that I would get along with goes by the name of Miranda Lambert. You don't like her very much because your best friend and your cousin have nicknames from one of her songs. But you see, she has this one song. This one song, that just gets me every single time. You know it, you know, the one that goes like
♫You better be careful what you do
I wouldn't wanna be in your shoes
if they ever found you out
you better be careful what you say
it never really added up any way
I got friends in this town

Hey white liar
The truth comes out a little at a time
and it spreads just like a fire
slips off of your tongue like turpentine
and I don't know why
white liar♫
Yeah that one! I love that one because she hits the nail on the head, that is if you were the nail. But you know, she has another line that just suits this even better!
♫Here's a bombshell just for you
turns out I've been lying too♫
But guess what? You'll never know my secret. You don't deserve that satisfaction. So guess what? I forgive you. I forgive you because you do not deserve to have power over me any longer. You no longer control my thoughts. You no longer control my dreams. You no longer control my mind. You no longer control decisions. You have no power. I wish you peace. I can't bring myself to wish you well, but I can wish you peace. I hope one day you can realize how evil you really are. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. And now, you have gotten yours. I didn't have to lift a finger. Told you that karma was a bigger b*tch than I could ever be. Peace, love, and forgiveness.
Always,
Meg


Until next time, peace and love

May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.

Valentine's Day

So I wore black today, just to be ironic, but I put on a pink tank and even wore a heart on my necklace. I decided that today would be a good day, regardless of how many bouquets I delivered. That count was 3, for the record. This Valentine's Day is different from any other. I should be a bumbling, blubbering, idiot. Well, I'm not blubbering today. Today I didn't get all dressed up. I didn't do my hair. I didn't even do my makeup. I didn't get flowers. I didn't make a reservation at a fancy restaurant. I didn't do my nails. I didn't get a box of chocolates. What I did get, meant more to me than any of that. I got some thin mints, a visit and hugs from my Momma² & my sister of the heart Letha May, and the ability(for the first time in a long time) to hear God's voice speaking to me like a daughter. It didn't take tears, today. It just took the tears and an exorcism(for lack of a better term) yesterday. His voice was not cloudy. His voice was not like a bad cell phone connection any longer. His voice was clear, comforting, and, quite honestly, sounded very similar to my Daddy. I got the devil off my back. his voice sounded strangely like a voice from the past--go figure. God has blessed me more than for which I could ever ask today.
******the above was typed early in the evening******
God showed me tonight, just how big satan is, and how much bigger He is. Again, my family of the heart deserves privacy and peace. satan sucks. Just saying. To all involved, God brought you to it, and only He will get you through it. But you knew that :). I love all of you and I'm here for all of you. You WILL get through to the other side. This mountain will be steep, but remember, God is your harness, and He will catch you.


Until next time, peace and love

May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.

God Opens Doors

   Today, I prayed for guidance, direction, mercy, an open door to let it all go, and peace.(I say today because it was before I fell asleep at 4am, and again later today) I got all five. "...ask and ye shall receive..." Philippians 4:6. I woke up this morning with a clearer idea of what I might have in store for my future. God told me the Navy. I asked Him to guide my hands to make that beginning.
   I pitched the idea both Momma, and Momma². I pitched the idea to my Grandpa, the Navy veteran. I pitched it to my Nanny, the former Navy wife. I pitched it to my Daddy, the one who has shown me mercy like the father in the parable of The Prodigal Son. The Mommas' responses were, "Wow, ok" and "Really?", respectively. Grandpa's and Nanny's were "I think it will be very good for you. I'm proud of you". Daddy's response was, "Let me make sure this is what you want, that you're prepared for it, and I'm proud of you". Pretty groovy, huh? So, I called the recruiter, and they will be calling me sometime this week. Guidance and direction: mission accomplished for today.
   Next came finding the words to speak mercifully to a friend. My friend is in some turmoil. Not to say that it isn't self inflicted, but turmoil is scary. I wanted to be a different kind of friend than I normally am, in that I would look at this person and say "REALLY? SERIOUSLY? WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?" But this situation is different. This called for compassion. My friend has been saying that to himself already, so why would I do that to him? I got my answered prayer today. I found the words to say. I made sure to let the people around me know, that I have the words. The person I thought would be affected most, told me she wanted me to talk to him if I had the words to say. I said "okay", and walked the 15 feet to my friend, who was in a ball at the alter, shaking, and crying. I put my hand in the small of his back, and told him what God told me to say. "Give it to God, and it will be okay. You will come out of this. I promise." If God can love a wretch like me, then why can't I show that same love. Obviously, for those involved, it's different, but I know where they stand, and that's okay. My friend didn't know I was there, and I texted him later to let him know, I was, and repeated what I had said before. Mercy, mission accomplished for today.
   Next came the open door, for which I was not expecting such instant gratification. Thanks again, Big Guy! The texts that I questioned Friday, were answered after an intense night of prayer. When I say after, I mean like the moment I walked out of the church. Yeah. She told me she asked because she cares. %^&*(*&^%$%^&*( SAY WHAT? Stay with me here. I had an inkling that she had typed that to the wrong person. I was right, but did she say that? NO. She lied. AGAIN. Surprised? Nah. She told me that she cares and that she was worried. I told her I'm obviously not okay, and that I wanted her to stay gone. The fact that she texted me didn't help the "trying to get over her" situation. She told me if I wanted to talk just let her know. $%^&*&^%$%^&*(&^%$ I repeat: SAY WHAT? I told her that I couldn't talk to her because we both know that I would be angry, and that since she wasn't texting to fix what she had ruined, I didn't care to hear from her, which I followed with, "still wanna talk?". I proceeded to reiterate every little thing she did to wrong me, from lying to me, proposing and leaving, lying to everyone that meant anything to me, cheating on me, stealing from me, leaving me in financial turmoil, to, (OH let's not forget) taking money from me. With every text, I said, "still wanna talk?" I then told her I knew she had been stalking my blog, I knew she meant to send the text to someone else, and that because she tried so hard to break me, (and I let her), she deserved the hell she gets. I told her she is satan in the flesh, and hell suits her. I also told her I would pray for her. Finishing, I told her the only way she would get civility from me, was for her to get her s&*^ together, pay me the money she owes me, and forgive herself. In addition, in order to forgive oneself, one must know their transgressions. Now she does. Not only do I know that the text was never meant for me, but I reminded her I knew she had been stalking this very blog. She responded with "alright already. that's enough". To which I said, "You wanted to talk. You got what you asked for." And that is all she wrote, ladies and gents. I asked God for a door to open to find peace. He did just that. Open door and peace to follow: mission accomplished for today.
   Momma² spiritually cleansed her house tonight and I must say, I stole her idea. I just finished praying in every room of my apartment, for peace, and a fresh start. Erase the old memories, create new. I'm learning to drown out satan's voice with God's. It's hard because satan has a loud voice. But I'll get there. I'm wore out. I feel 50 pounds lighter since I said it all to her. It's out, it's gone, and I'm praying for no more tears over her.

Until next time, peace and love

May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.

What Might Have Been

Have you ever had a night terror? A dream so intense that it outdoes the term "dream", so intense that you can't escape it, no matter how you fight, no escape?
That happened to me last night. My only escape was my eyes burning from tears. I dreamt for 10 hours about what might have been. Not only was there what might have been, but what could be. My imagination got away from me, because I have been stifling it for months. Because if I had let my imagination run wild like I normally do, I'd be institutionalized. Subconsciously, apparently, I am incredibly screwed up, and we all know about what. Sure I let it show sometimes, but again if I let it show all the time, I'd be institutionalized.
I dreamt for hours about the past. The pleasant past. I dreamt of the future we had planned, the children, the life, the careers, etc. Then, at about the 9 hour mark(or so it felt), the dream changed. It became the two of us, and that precious little girl, Kylie Rae. The three of us were in matching button down collared shirts with blue and white vertical stripes. We were all wearing jeans, and boots. Our hair was done, my makeup impeccable, and Kylie Rae had bows in her hair. It was family portrait day. She and I had started to have a disagreement, but we stopped, talked it out, and I was forgiven with the warmest embrace, and the sweetest kiss. Our daughter giggled. she place her hands between our sets of knees and pushed us apart, just enough to fit her little body.
I definitely know that this is completely and utterly imaginary. It's just hard to believe that my brain concocted this, and I am consciously aware of the untruth in it. Because I recognize the untruth in all of it, I woke up in a pool of my own tears. I haven't awoke to the sound of my own crying since I was 16. I barely made it to the bathroom to vomit. I crawled back into bed, and there I lay for another hour, crying. Little things all day have brought the tears back. I wrote her a letter, that I don't know if I'll ever send, but you just never know. I've made arrangements for her stuff to get out of my house, without her coming here, and I don't spend the money to ship it to her mom's house.
This was all brought on because she texted me yesterday. She was inquiring as to the location of a W2, that I did not receive. If she would have thought for one second more, she would have known that I would not have received it, because it was to our address with our roommate. But, she didn't think that far, obviously, so she texted me instead. The very next text was, "are you ok?". Excuse my language, but WTF? Why all of a sudden, four months later, does she care? I told her that I didn't have her W2 and that I didn't live at that address any longer. I also asked, "why do you care if I'm ok?". Nothing. I texted her today, asking why she would ask, and I got nothing. Fair. Didn't really want a response, because it would have made me even more sad, but still.
My head hurts from crying. I have eaten. I am about to go make dinner now. I will leave you with the words of Leona Lewis.
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
Even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

Until next time, peace and love

May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.

That's Just Geography.

Ok, so I have drafted like four blogs and still haven't felt like I should post them. A lot of stuff has happened, and continues to happen here in the hourglass of my life and it's been a WHIRLWIND. I guess the drafts just let me vent, go figure. I've had to make some tough decisions recently, and they are about set in motion. I've had to evaluate my finances and since I let someone walk all over them, and my life, I am having to consolidate, downgrade. Without this, I face bankruptcy. My Momma has been extra supportive and I am incredibly grateful. Basically for an upfront fee, I get to start all over. I'd rather break a lease, than get evicted. The same night I had to ponder these decisions, my life took the back burner. My family of the heart is experiencing some incredible trepidation right now. Because I respect their privacy, just as they, mine, all I will say is please pray for them. If you don't pray, fine, send positive vibes, warm energy, whatever, as long as it is positive. satan has shown them his strength, but God's display is bigger, just as He is. They didn't ask for the hell in which they are right now, but these lessons will make their family that much stronger. The Super Dad of 5 said it right, "God has seen worse, and He has a plan." That, He does.
This new year has definitely been what I set out for it to be. Change. Refresh. Cleanse. Though the circumstances are less than ideal, I get it. Purpose. I'm sure learning mine. It has been a humbling week, to say the least. And my humble pie is served lukewarm. I can't waste time being the old, defensive me. Yes, I want revenge, but at the same time, the Super Dad of 5 wins again with, "Pray for mercy." So this is a new one for me. In my case, mercy seems to be separation. That is, until I have to words to live mercy. Until then, Meg is being silent. Keep an eye on me, because this one is HUGE!


Until next time, peace and love

May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.

I Know He Has A Plan...

It's just really hard to accept that right now. I had planned to use my tax returns to get my life back in order. So much for that. In total, I got back $600, and so far, life has gotten in the way. $500 is gone, between getting bills caught up and the stupid tax company charging me, even when they said they wouldn't. I should have been able to get a car last year, but I let a human being take control of my life and I am still picking up the wreckage. I'm still receiving her mail. She's contacting my family when they've asked her not to. I let a human being in and let her take over ME. I feel lost again. I'm trying to find the light at the end of this tunnel, and I know He is showing me the way, but I feel like I'm walking blindly through. This snow is really putting something under my tail to get something with 4 wheels, but at the same time, every message I get from God is so cryptic. I believe in signs, but I am out of my element here. I can't read these signs. I don't really feel like rambling about how I can't get control of my life anymore. So, I'll leave you with some lyrics that describe how I'm feeling.
Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.

You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain.

[CHORUS:]
Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.

[CHORUS]

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need here on the ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down
You're on to me, on to me, and all over...
Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
"Gravity"--Sara Bareilles


Until next time, peace and love

May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.

Memories, Blah.

So, I was thinking about a little girl today. She had blonde hair, brown eyes, and the most captivating smile you've ever seen. She was a precious one, you see. The feeling I felt when I saw her face, was the feeling of a mother's love. Her name, was Kylie Rae, and she was my daughter. Her overalls and boots were always covered in mud. She always was finding some kind of animal. I haven't thought of this little girl in a long time.
~*#@PAUSE@#*~ I have never physically had a child, nor have I been pregnant. Just go with it, k?
Her mother and I cared for her in our home, that we had built, both by heart and by hand. Our rural home was surrounded by the pine trees of the Appalachians. I was almost done with my degree. I was raising a family. I was happily married. I was happy. Every time I have thought of her and the life I built, my heart smiles. That is, until I realize that it's all a fantasy, and the person I saw next me, is not real.
I have an angel that comforts me, and walks with me, every day. He's my Uncle John, and I am consciously aware of his presence. This fantasy that I had, was shown to me by him. He led me through the scenes, like a movie. The person raising Kylie Rae with me, also had this dream, and told me about it before I told her about having it. It all seemed surreal. It all seemed staged, but how could that have been? I didn't tell her about my dream first. In my mind, I can create a world that I can see and is so vivid, it's like the Technicolor awakening in The Wizard Of Oz, bright, and bold. I can create a character in my head, such as Kylie Rae, with whom I can bond. I can believe my dreams, because most of the time, they are similar to premonitions. God speaks to me in dreams. I had a dream about my grandpa, dying of a heart attack. The following morning, he had open heart surgery, and I had not been informed prior. I am a big believer in my dreams. I have dreamt about Kylie Rae quite a few times. I miss the idea of her. That is the hardest part of letting go, completely, of the past. I desired to make that dream come true. This little girl became my inspiration to let it be, and just roll with it. It is because of this metaphorical girl, that I want to be that person, but better, so that I may, one day, have a similar dream come true. I know that God's got it all figured out, and that I really don't know squat. I just am impatient. I need patience, and it's hard to keep up with the tests. I miss the idea of the past. I despise the person that I was, and with whom I was. I am battling with letting go of my "dead" idea; my "dead" daughter. I would never say I know what it feels like to lose a child. I hope I never have to know. I do, however, know what the death of a dream is like. It's devastating. It also makes me wonder how messed up in the head I am, to mourn the death of a dream; someone who never existed in the human form. I have to trust God. I have to. Easier said than done, sometimes.
Until next time, peace and love

May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.

My Memoir Part 1

So, it's time for a little back story. I'm baring my soul. This post is not meant to be a pity request, but a celebration of my triumph over the trials I was given by God to overcome. Please click out if there is to be any negativity surrounding this. I'm serious. This is the beginning of my new blog series to come about between my regular blogs.
Alrighty, here goes.
When I was 14, I made a decision that would haunt me for the rest of my life. I gave in to an impulse. I took a safety pin and carved into my left forearm. I was so angry with God for making me "that girl". I was angry at Him for making me the child of a broken marriage. I was the nerd. I was the girl who just wanted a friend. I was the girl who went to church, but even there, I was rejected by humans. I felt like a stranger in my own species. I wanted to fit in, in any niche in which I could even have a partial fit. To tell you how angry I was at God, I carved a cross, right near the inside of my elbow. I fell into a niche that I never intended in which to be. It became an addiction--and quickly. I wanted to escape the pain in my heart and head, so I turned to an alternative that was pain, but physical, that I could overcome. I definitely was crying out for help. I was screaming so loudly, I took a picture, once, of my arm after I cut. I needed to escape the voices in my head(satan) telling me I wasn't good enough. I wanted to escape the voices in the crowd that didn't accept me. I tried to fit in. Then, I gave up. I copied everything my best friend did. I wore black. I dyed my hair dark, I did it all. The only thing I didn't copy, was cutting. We both were cutters, and it just so happened to have started around the same time. In my case, I happened to choose a new form of self mutilation. When I was a small child, anytime I would feel stress, anxiety, or anger, I would hurt myself. I would bite myself until I bruised. I would pull my hair 'til I had a headache. I would hit myself. I would scratch myself. My parents fought quite a bit, so whenever there was tension, I would hurt myself. Then came teen years and sharp objects. First it was the safety pins. Then it was a blade from an eye pencil sharpener. After that, I stole a straight edge blade from my dad's box cutters. Once, it was a steak knife. Fortunately, I have decent skin, and there is very little evidence that I ever did this to myself. My wrists are scar tissue, but it's not obvious. One of the 1400 reasons I used, and still do, is that I was battling with my sexual orientation. I was being told I was wrong for even giving the thoughts the positive time of day. My heart said I was right. The Southern mentality said I was wrong. My church said I was wrong. So I punished myself for not being "normal". I was suicidal. I was not happy, in the slightest. 9 months after my last suicide attempt, I was caught. My cry was heard. I mentioned to my English teacher that I loved to write poetry, and I'd love for her to read it. I ended up giving her my diary. Due to a law held by every state, yet seldom enforced, I had to see a school psychologist. I had become a threat to myself and others. My mandatory reporter got me help. The turning point on this day? I had another suicide attempt planned--except I hadn't planned an attempt. I had a shard of glass about 1 1/2 inches wide and 3 inches long. I think you can figure out the rest. I hadn't planned to go back to my house that day. I was searched by the school officer. I was checked by the school nurse. Within 5 months, I was cut free. I have been, not only cut free but, mutilation free, for 5 years. I have had major temptation. The fights I had with the ex used to make my arms burn. I never gave in. When I graduated high school, I had a conversation with my Guncle, and again with my Aunt. I told both of them that I was really glad I got the opportunity to graduate. That was where the real congrats were deserved. They hadn't the slightest clue of my suicidal tendencies, thoughts, attempts, or mutilation. I have overcome so much in 5 years. As mentioned in my testimony, I ran from God. I never intended to run so far away. God had, and still has, a plan, and He knew that I would go, but He also knew that I would come back. I can only imagine what my life would have been life without His interventions. I know that I would not be the person you see today. I would be doing drugs, very broke, and probably homeless. I'd be in the depths of hell on Earth. I am a happier person now and I will be even happier tomorrow. I don't have the obvious evidence, but I can show you if you want to see. My scars remind me that the past is real, and without that reminder, I would not appreciate the progress I have made. I love my life because God is back in it, and that's perfectly fine with me. I love the family I have acquired in God. I can wake up everyday, knowing that it will be a good day, no matter what. Okay, so now I feel like I haven't made any sense, because I have had no structure except punctuation in this blog. But that is another blog for another time.
Until next time, peace and love

May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.

(insert creative title here)

Okay, so Pastor Shawn dunked me instead. No big deal, I just wish I would have been informed before hand, instead of walking toward the water and finding out. So, with the buildup of energy, my heart was racing for the entire service, and continued racing even after. My bestie came, and although she isn't a believer, in anything, she was there because it meant something to me.That's all I could ask for. If she ever wanted to find God, then I would be right there with her. Until then I tell her about my great church family, and I emphasize that it is my truth that I live, and my truth is in alignment with God's now.  Momma² didn't realize that I had included her in my testimony. That was until Pastor Shawn mentioned her name. The only person I could see was Karina(and Todd's shoulder) from the baptismal pool. I wholeheartedly believe that was not a coincidence. I could also see her reaction when her name was mentioned. It was necessary because without her, it would have been a longer chase. God definitely sent her to me for a reason, and I love Him for that. I was even shocked, because Pastor Shawn stopped and asked the congregation, "Are you a Karina? Who are you showing the way to?(or something along those lines). Thank you Karina." (watch the video for what he said) I was complimented on my writing abilities(*grin*) and even the person, whom is my "least of these", came up and hugged me and said congratulations. I feel clean. I feel pure. I feel renewed. Although this is a new day and a fresh start for me, I have my suspicions as to why there was a sudden cast change for my baptism. However, I shall keep it to myself until there is a confirmation either way. If it's what I think it was, I assure you, it didn't work! But, I digress. The love I felt after I came out of the bathroom, with soaked hair, was unbelievable. I know that it was not conditional upon my going up there, but it felt new, and fresh. Not necessarily different, but renewed. The great thing about it, is my Daddy wanted pics... he got a video thanks to my sister :) I am striving to find God in everything I do and experience. It's not always easy to see, but when I do, I feel overwhelmed by grace. To be able to witness each new day is an incredible blessing, and He taught me that a long time ago. He has given me my trials, and definitely my learning experiences, but He has always been by my side through it all. Those trials are what I assume hell must be like, and boy let me tell you, I'm glad I'm not going there! I have been saved from the flames. I pray that I never stray again, but should it happen, I know where, and to whom, I need to go to get back on that path.
I’m coming home
I’m coming home
tell the World I’m coming home
Let the rain wash away all the pain of yesterday
I know my kingdom awaits and they’ve forgiven my mistakes
I’m coming home, I’m coming home
tell the World that I’m coming--"Coming Home" Diddy Dirty Money
Until next time, peace and love

May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.

45 Life Lessons(borrowed)

I read this and these really make you think. They are also very reassuring. Post after the lessons!

Written by Regina Brett, 90 years old, of the Plain Dealer, Cleveland , 
Ohio
"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. 
It is the most requested column I've ever written.

My odometer rolled over to 90 in August,  so here is the column once more:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still  good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small  step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating  anyone.

4. Your job won't take care of you when  you are sick. Your friends and 
parents will. Stay in  touch.

5. Pay off your credit cards every  month.

6. You don't have to win every  argument. Agree to  disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing  than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can  take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your  first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance  is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't  screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you  cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others. You  have no idea what their journey 
is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret,  you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of  an eye. But don't worry; God 
never blinks.

16. Take a deep breath. It calms the  mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful,  beautiful or joyful.

18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does  make you stronger.

19. It's never too late to have a happy  childhood. But the second one is 
up to you and no one  else.

20. When it comes to going after what you  love in life, don't take no for 
an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets,  wear the fancy lingerie. Don't 
save it for a special occasion. Today is  special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the  flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old  age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the  brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness  but you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with  these words 'In five years, will 
this matter?'

27. Always choose  life.

28. Forgive everyone  everything.

29. What other people think of you is none  of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give  time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it  will change.

32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No  one else does.

33. Believe in  miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is,  not because of anything you did 
or didn't do.

35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the  most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative --  dying young.

37. Your children get only one  childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is  that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are  waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile  and saw everyone else's, we'd 
grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. You already  have all you need.

42. The best is yet to  come...

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress  up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's  still a gift."

Friends are the family that we  choose.

That one that isn't numbered there at the end? That is the one that I love. The family I am building around me is abundant, rich, and bountiful. Are they wealthy? No way. Do I care? Oh no.

Number 10 is something I should have read earlier today, when I was resisting chocolate. I still want it. I have dark chocolate, but I really want a Kit Kat :D

Number 21, all lingerie aside, is one that I try to live by each day. Today is special, because tomorrow is not promised. So go out for Chinese food on a whim--on a SCHOOL NIGHT.

Number 3. Oh number 3. Hate is the biggest waste of emotion and energy. I would much rather be spent from loving someone, than hating. What good does that do? How does hate benefit you? How are you making the world a better place with hate in your heart? Bet you don't have a positive response to those.

So tonight after choir, youth group, AV club, and baptism class, Momma², Letha, Josh, and I, went to a hole in the wall Chinese joint that Josh knows of. They stayed open for us. We had a mini FDN and great fun! Good thing I get along with Roosters, huh Momma²? ROFL
Anyway, so I am being baptized on Sunday, and I am so excited! Josh and I were talking about it on the way to China Lee(great place and people BTW), and I told about why I went. They highly recommend it to those who would like to be baptized, but it's not required. I went because of the recommendation, and for the refresher course. Oh, and I absolutely love to read about the Saul/Paul transformation. I was Saul for a very long time, and through my transformation, I strive to be like Paul. I never killed a Christian, far less a person, like Saul, but I sure persecuted them. I also was glad to know that I could pick the Pastor to dunk me. I chose Pastor Don.
I chose Pastor Don for a couple of reasons. I enjoy his energy and his passion for God. I also chose him because he is the kind of Pastor that gives me the feeling of being home with God. I grew up in a Southern church(a few actually, but you get the gist). To me, the idea of God is very Southern. I love the Word being delivered with even the slightest Southern drawl. I know, I must be crazy, but it's my truth. Every time in my formative years that I have felt closest to God, was in the presence of an ordained, or liturgist, with a twang. My Daddy was the one who taught me the shortest verse in the KJV, John 11:35, "Jesus wept". My Daddy is one of my favorite liturgists I know. When he talks about God, his testimony, and how God has shaped and blessed his life, I feel so invigorated, liberated, and filled with Christ's love. My Daddy is human, and he has his shortcomings, but that is between him, and God. When I told him I gave my life back to God, and that I am getting baptized, he welled up, he choked up, and said "I am so proud of you, baby. Take pictures for me, ok?" I wish my Daddy lived closer to me. If he knew how to Skype, we'd have Bible study together. Pastor Don, has that little bit of a twang that is just the ticket. There's something to be said about a person with a drawl that has a passion for God. Ok, I'm going to bed :D
Until next time, peace and love

May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.