What Might Have Been

Have you ever had a night terror? A dream so intense that it outdoes the term "dream", so intense that you can't escape it, no matter how you fight, no escape?
That happened to me last night. My only escape was my eyes burning from tears. I dreamt for 10 hours about what might have been. Not only was there what might have been, but what could be. My imagination got away from me, because I have been stifling it for months. Because if I had let my imagination run wild like I normally do, I'd be institutionalized. Subconsciously, apparently, I am incredibly screwed up, and we all know about what. Sure I let it show sometimes, but again if I let it show all the time, I'd be institutionalized.
I dreamt for hours about the past. The pleasant past. I dreamt of the future we had planned, the children, the life, the careers, etc. Then, at about the 9 hour mark(or so it felt), the dream changed. It became the two of us, and that precious little girl, Kylie Rae. The three of us were in matching button down collared shirts with blue and white vertical stripes. We were all wearing jeans, and boots. Our hair was done, my makeup impeccable, and Kylie Rae had bows in her hair. It was family portrait day. She and I had started to have a disagreement, but we stopped, talked it out, and I was forgiven with the warmest embrace, and the sweetest kiss. Our daughter giggled. she place her hands between our sets of knees and pushed us apart, just enough to fit her little body.
I definitely know that this is completely and utterly imaginary. It's just hard to believe that my brain concocted this, and I am consciously aware of the untruth in it. Because I recognize the untruth in all of it, I woke up in a pool of my own tears. I haven't awoke to the sound of my own crying since I was 16. I barely made it to the bathroom to vomit. I crawled back into bed, and there I lay for another hour, crying. Little things all day have brought the tears back. I wrote her a letter, that I don't know if I'll ever send, but you just never know. I've made arrangements for her stuff to get out of my house, without her coming here, and I don't spend the money to ship it to her mom's house.
This was all brought on because she texted me yesterday. She was inquiring as to the location of a W2, that I did not receive. If she would have thought for one second more, she would have known that I would not have received it, because it was to our address with our roommate. But, she didn't think that far, obviously, so she texted me instead. The very next text was, "are you ok?". Excuse my language, but WTF? Why all of a sudden, four months later, does she care? I told her that I didn't have her W2 and that I didn't live at that address any longer. I also asked, "why do you care if I'm ok?". Nothing. I texted her today, asking why she would ask, and I got nothing. Fair. Didn't really want a response, because it would have made me even more sad, but still.
My head hurts from crying. I have eaten. I am about to go make dinner now. I will leave you with the words of Leona Lewis.
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
Even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

Until next time, peace and love

May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.