The Separation Process...

So she is "in the process" of moving out. Right now, it's a love/hate relationship. I don't hate her by any means, although she seems to think if I did hate her, this would be easier. Nope. I can't hate her. I love that I am able to see her face, but at the same time I can't stand to see it. It hurts entirely too much. I fell apart Thursday night and had to stay at my best friend's house because I could not be in this apartment. Everything became real. Yesterday I was home and she was looking at a place, but it wasn't to her standards, so she passed. Yet, she still picks up the phone when work calls, so she's putting off moving yet again. I came home last night after Rocky Horror was a bust, because it was sold out, and she was here... with Houstan. Her "best friend". Just a few nights ago, Houstan was here with her, and they were laying in bed together. That was the official beginning of everything becoming real. I have never had to witness the person I love in bed with someone else, regardless of their relationship. Then, when they were going to bed, they closed the French doors on our bedroom. The ones that have never been shut before. She claims to understand how much I'm hurting. I told her there isn't a chance. I am asked by various people, rightfully so, when I'm not with her, "Hey, where's Cassie?" I tell them I don't know. My friends have been just what I needed recently, because they have been there when I need them. She accused me of being an alcoholic. That accusation, cut me to the bone. If that was her intention, then she succeeded. She claims to not know if she wants to be with me. In recent events, she has proved to me that she has made up her mind. She's done. Now, I need to be done. It's just going to take me quite a bit of time, and lots of counseling to be done. I need to move on. Would I still jump in front of a train for her, yes. Do I still believe that if she showed up on my doorstep at anytime in the future and said, "baby, I was wrong" that I would take her back and work through this? Absolutely. Check back in a few months, but I am certain I will feel the same way. I am going to remove myself from her life so that she may get the help she so badly needs. I am going to remove her from my life so that I may get the help that I so badly need. I have felt an overwhelming wave of support lately and my connection with God has only gotten stronger. He knows I am in a mess of pain right now, but I know that even in the darkest of times, I have to be strong and be thankful. I make sure to outweigh my help prayers with appreciative prayers. I woke up this morning, Thank The Lord. I thank Him, multiple times a day, for giving me the strength, courage, and forgiveness to rebuild my relationship with my Momma. I stayed with my Momma last night when I noticed that Houstan was here. She has been amazing, both to and for me, these past few weeks. I actually ate three meals today. I kept them down too. I'm helping her move, whether she knows it or not. She just told me she signed the paperwork. She'll be out by Thursday. So, I moved her dresser out of my bedroom, as well as her TV and DVD player. If she's gonna mooch, she ain't living in my bedroom. She also isn't getting the premium cable. She is not allowed to have anymore "overnight guests". If people need a place to stay, they shouldn't call her, because she is staying with me until she moves. Her friends never once asked me if they could stay here. She did. With the way I'm acting, she'll probably never come back, but that's a decision she, and I, will live with. I also have to live with knowing I tried to do all I could to save it, but it was not a mutual effort. She will have to deal with the decision of leaving me. if I was All the while, I'm looking out for myself and my mental health. Clean break. Clean slate. If being a raving lunatic is what it takes to get that clean break, then so be it. I tried being nice. It fell upon deaf ears. Is this all hurting me? Absolutely, but I know that I need to renew my relationship with myself. And that, ladies and gents, is what I'll do. Until next time, peace and love.

The Be All, End All

   We came to a mutual decision that this is not our time. I say mutual because I told her I was not going to give up, but I am not going to live in an unhappy relationship. Of all the things she said to me in everything we discussed, two stood out to me. 
   Number one is my relationship with God. She told me at the very beginning, that without improvement, we would never work. I have been working on that since that very moment and continue to grow moment by moment. She doesn't feel that I have. My relationship with God has grown so much since I met her, but I am intensely private about it. I don't feel that God has called me to be a vocal witness. Just like with any other aspect, I feel like when asked, I will respond accordingly. In reality, I have been more deeply in touch with God than I ever have been before. I know without a shadow of a doubt that if He brings me to it, He'll get me through it. 
   Number two was my job. This relates to number one because I have been praying on this subject for some time now and God and I have come up with the answer to that. She asked me how I was making her a priority when I wasn't making myself a priority. She said that by suffering at my job, I wasn't making myself a priority. To a degree, she's right, but at the same time, God had a bigger plan for me. I told her that I felt my current job has been a test for me. A test in which I had to meet the criteria to move on to the next challenge in my life. To date, I feel like I have met such criteria. I have been awarded many potential opportunities in the past two weeks and I feel that none of that would have been possible without the tests and battles along the way. 
   A lot of changes were made by her both consciously and subconsciously since May. I didn't keep up with the pace because I wasn't ready for those changes that I needed to make in my life. I could sit here and waste time in the "shoulda coulda wouldas" but because I am now ready to make those changes in my life, those have no place. I am learning to live for me and my God. And He is right beside me, his footprints next to mine, in my journey.

The Talk

So we have made a plan. She has until the end of November to figure herself, and her part of us, out. The reason is because she wants to pay her portion of the November rent, seeing as how we hadn't really planned for this financially. That and we pay a month ahead in rent. She got her own bank account today and this was her last direct deposit into our account. As soon as she gets most of her money into the new account(the rest that isn't for OUR bills) I will cancel her card and change the login info. I've changed the password to my computer. I talked to my best friend, who has been extremely supportive when I least expected it, is dead set on getting me out of town for my birthday weekend. We both are public transit dependent so this should be interesting LOL. 
  The reason I wanted everything figured out is because, again, my gut says that she doesn't want to find a way to be happy with me anymore. I laid everything out. I told her how much I love her and that I promise to walk away when I feel a fight coming. That way, I can process and be the adult that I am, instead of the teenager I used to be, in that I lay into her and let her have it--without processing first. My Daddy always said "your mind is above your mouth for a reason. You have to think first before you speak." I've lost sight of that. 
  I found out she has been seeing a counselor, mandated by her HR department, because she snapped on a coworker. When she told me that, I told her I wasn't happy for the reason she's in counseling, but I'm already seeing an improvement because she communicated. 
  I had a face to face interview yesterday and a phone interview today. Two different places, two different industires from each other, and still not fast food. I have set up a savings plan so that I can afford a car with the help of my income tax return. 
  She made a point last night that she may take longer than a month to figure it all out. And I'm okay with that. Am I gonna wait forever? No. She said that she feels as soon as she gets everything moved out, if that's what she decides to do, she'll change her mind and want to be with me. I told her that I would be okay with that, but I will only do it once. If this happens again, we're done. While I was laying everything out on the table, I told her that I am devoted enough to her, and so deeply in love with her, that if she said said jump, I wouldn't say how high, I'd say from what ledge. I told her that I had lost sight of that and that I'm back in touch with it. She said she knows that the more she makes me wait, the more it hurts me. Yes and no. Yes it's killing me, but in turn is making me a stronger person. I asked God to help me be stronger and He is showing off now. But it's working...
   My life will never be the same because of both the positive and negative influences she has had on me. The intimacy, as a whole, is on complete hold, and has been for awhile. I carry her ring with me for the slightest bit of hope and closeness. I saw her put mine in her pocket today. She did stay last night and it was good for both of us because she's been couch surfing and I've been sleeping in an empty apartment. The sound of her breathing never really fazed me until I realized it was like a lullaby. It soothed me to sleep. If she leaves, I'll just have to find a new lullaby, but that's just details. 
  Her counselor has diagnosed her with PTSD from all of the drama/trauma she has endured in the span of a year and a half. I agree with that but at the same time, wouldn't you want to make an effort to make your life better and overcome the PTSD? Her grandmother had brought it up right before her other grandmother had passed. Her passing was the final nail in Cassie's proverbial coffin. Her best friend leaves for Afghanistan this week and it's tearing her up. She used to cry on my shoulder. Now I'm the last person in her life that she wants to talk to about it. I told her that I understood because her best friend is going to war, and the love of my life doesn't know if she wants the future we had been planning. Neither of us knows the definite outcome of either situation. Her best friend could come home in a body bag. The love of my life could come back in a moving truck. 
   I told her that if being with me is not what she decides she wants, then because I love her, I will stay away and I want the same respect back. I love her too much to be her friend. I'm too in love with her to be her friend. If in say a year, she calls and says let's work it out, I would make it happen. But she knows I want it to work, and only when she wants the same, will it work. Only time will tell. 
Until next time...

Fear

Right now I am waiting for her to come to the apartment to talk. I don't know what she is going to say, but I know I'm terrified of what my gut says. I really hope I'm paranoid and that it's going to work itself out. Hope only goes so far. My head, heart, and gut are all saying different things. My head is telling me to ignore my gut. My heart is saying listen to my head and to ignore my gut and that it's paranoia. My gut is saying she is coming here to tell me she is done and that she will be making plans to get her stuff out of the apartment. I'm praying for everything to work itself out and I know it will. However in the past, I know that God works on His terms, not mine. I hope He and I agree this time. I want my life back. I want our life back. I love her with everything I have and I am so deeply in love with her. My eyes are burning from crying so much. I pray that God makes us both stronger through this experience, whether or not it works out the way I want it to. My chest hurts from hyperventilating. My abdominal muscles hurt from not being able to keep a whole lot of food down. My heart hurts, both physically and metaphorically, from the stress. My whole body hurts for the lack of actual nutrition. I'm praying for the best and am prepared for the worst... if she'll ever show up...

And so it goes...

So, we are now on a break. We've been fighting constantly for about three weeks and it's taken its toll on both of us. I'm emotionally drained from it all and so is she. I have faith that she will be able to come back, happier and healthier, but I'm preparing for the opposite. That is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, because I thought we had been building a life together, but recently, it seems we haven't. I have been, but she hasn't. I love her more than I understand, and I am so deeply in love with her. I don't want to lose her, and I don't want to break up. I know the last 9 months have been real. I know that she, up until recently, been completely real and up front. I have faith that she and I will be what I've imagined we will be, but right now, I don't know that she does--because she says she doesn't know. I have to return to reality tomorrow and I'm scared. Mainly because I will be fielding questions as to the whereabouts of my promise ring that I have worn on my left ring finger since February. I want to curl up in the corner and make it all stop because then maybe it wouldn't be real and this is all just a bad nightmare. However, the pain in my chest says it isn't. The piece of my heart that is missing right now says it's real. Her cold side of the bed says it's real. The fact that when I tell her I love her, and she doesn't say it back, scares the shit out of me.
I have been crying for days off and on. I am emotionally hungover and I don't know how I can snap out of it. I'm having trouble keeping food down as well as convincing myself to eat. I've drank more than I usually do recently, but I am careful to keep my head. I need a miracle right now. I want my Knight In Shining Armor back.

The Way We Were

   So the "honeymoon" is over with us and we've been together 9 months. We've known from the start that are meant to be. We have 5 degrees of separation. We've met prior to this adventure. We've lived together the entire time we've been together and spent one night apart--and that like to have killed both of us. I love her on a level that I have never known and it is blissful--and frightening. I've not been in a serious relationship such as this and she has an intensity that matches mine. We love passionately, but we fight just as passionately. I'm regathering the pieces of the relationship I attempted to destroy with my God and that can be difficult when you are with someone who has a much better, more secure relationship with their God. She's patient but not as patient as she thinks.
    My best friend is single and doing her own thing, so we find it very difficult to discuss matters of this intensity. She and I made a bet three years ago that one of us would be married before the other. When one gets married, the other pays the MOH $100. We both have a feeling it will be me paying up.
   Cassie has a very different relationship with her mom than I do, and we both struggle with that. My mom is very conditional and makes it known. We've gotten to a point where we can tolerate each other and even be mom-daughter friends. Cassie has the kind of relationship with her mom that requires Cassie to be her mom's best friend. Her mom tells her EVERYTHING--even the stuff a daughter has no business knowing(imho). She gets in the middle of her parents' fights and by the time she realizes she's in the middle, she has to fight quicksand to get out. Then it takes a toll on our relationship because she dropping everything to help her mom. So then comes the conundrum. I never want to make her choose between her family and me. I would highly suggest a reevaluation on what to jump for and what to leave alone, but I fall upon deaf ears every time.
   We both work very different schedules and in the beginning it was a no brainer that we fit in romance whenever we could. Now, it's like planning a dinner party. We have to schedule it. I work a strssful job and work anywhere from 10-14 hours a day, five days a week. I try to keep my home and work lives separate, but am not always successful. 
   Back to the beginning, where our story began, we began in 2007. I worked a popular smoothie bar here in the Denver metro and she was a frequent customer. I was a senior in high school, and a year post first gay relationship. I saw her about 3 times a week and I could never work up the courage to get her number. I knew her name because we had to ask them when they ordered, but was completely chicken. The friend she always came in with to the smoothie bar was a friend of a friend of mine. She later tried to fix us up but Kendall and I lost touch. A couple of months later, I met up with her at the Diversity Conference that the area districts held for GSAs and creative expression groups. We talked but I never got up the courage to ask for her number or even a date(I later found out she was in a relationship anyway). My count is 3 degrees so far. I worked for that smoothie bar at various locations for a total of 3 years and my mentor for our fundraising program was the manager at Cassie's new frequent location. Working with my mentor I met Cassie again, but didn't tie the two mystery girls together. While on an outside fundraising event, my mentor then said to me, "hey Meg, if you're not seeing anyone, I have someone I think you'll love." *eyebrow arch*"Really?" "Yeah, her name is Cassie and she's just out of a relationship." We never got the chance to figure it all out because I left the company. Right before NYE 2009 I saw someone on a dating site I'd been cruising that caught my eye. I'd hit a lot of road blocks with this site so I didn't expect what happened next. We talked for about 2 weeks and finally decided we should meet. We had a great text connection, so what could it hurt? She invited me to a beer pong tournament and I was reluctant. A co worker said she could take me and if there was anything bad, she'd wait around the corner. So I went. That's where I met Cassie for the final time and I wasn't gonna let her get away. I had always been a chicken when it came to the first move, but this night was different. I did it! So when I posted a picture of the two of us on Facebook, my mentor comented immediately and reminded me of who she was. I could not believe it. Apparently my mentor had been telling her about me too. 
   So now we try to make us work. I wrecked my car AND my mom's within a span of a week due to black ice. So I hoof it and take public transit. She and I became a one car family and that is stressful in and of itself. I still use public transit, however it stops running in my area before I'm off work. So I either have to bum a ride, or she has to come get me. 
   Cass was, and still is, the answer to my prayers. NYE 2009 brought me my wake up call to regain control of my life. I got out of hand and ended up with alcohol poisoning and lost friends because they refused to call an ambulance. All because there were people who were underage there. I wasn't, but if 911 got called, cops would come too and I'd get charged with disurbing the peace and the host would get that, but also contributing to the delinquency of a minor. So, I dealt with the reprocussions of my own actions and met Cass a week, to the day, after. She inspired me to clean up my act. I rarely drink now and I feel better. Yes I have to now deal with my emotions, but I'd rather feel than be numb. It reminds me I'm alive. And so it goes, this roller coaster of learning how to deal. This is Meg, signing off.
Peace and love to All.