Before I start, I want to say, Momma(the first one =]), please know that I am not trying to make you feel badly for the choices that had to be made. I know anything different would have made me a different person, that I don't know that I'd want to be. Thank you for molding me.
Have you ever wanted something so badly, that you're terrified of getting it? Have you ever craved something so much you could sense it(i.e. feel, taste, hear, see)? Yeah, me too. That thing for me is marriage. The only problem, I'm terrified of it. I'm terrified of knowing I could be just another statistic. Before I go any further, just letting you all know that this has nothing to do with whether or not I have the right to marry whomever I choose. It's about marriage in general. I am petrified of divorce. I am a child of divorce. I know what it does to a kid. I also know that what might have happened, had my parents remained married, would have been worse. I know that the relationship I was in, ended because God was showing me that I am nowhere near ready for a marriage. If I entered into the sacrament of marriage when I wanted to, I would have tainted it worse than any human being could imagine. I would not have cheated. I would not have dishonored my partner in any physical way. I would have dishonored my partner in mental ways. I crave to settle down, but I am not yet ready to be tamed.
Marriage, a blessed event that binds two souls together in a spirit-filled bond. Until I reached adulthood, I had not yet seen a marriage that lasted. And if I had, it was a second, or sometimes third, marriage. No one I knew got it right on the first try. That was until I realized my uncle's roommate, was actually his husband. I realized that I had an example of a marriage right in front of me. Regardless of rights, they are married in spirit. They have been together almost as long as I have been alive. As an adult, I have come to know them as a married couple. Another married couple I have come to know, and love, are my church family, my Momma² and the Super Dad of 5. They're not perfect by any stretch of the imagination. As conceited as this sounds, I'll never forget something that I said to Momma² about a year ago. I told her that she and her husband are an inspiration to me. I also said I hoped to have a love and relationship like that someday. I was, of course, referring to the relationship of the moment, but I learned that God wants the same for me; a lasting relationship built on a strong foundation of faith, hope, and love.
Divorce. A word, and practice, so common in American English, that 50% of the population has experienced and every human over the age of 6 knows the word. Think about the children of the 50% who have been divorced. You have to wonder, is two Christmases worth the agony of your parents fighting? One would hope that with divorce, comes a proverbial "calming of the waters" within the now broken family. Lies. There are, of course, exceptions to every rule but in my experience,the fights continue with different subject matter, yet identical intensity. Divorce is one of my worst fears for myself, because I plan on building a family. However, I refuse to bring children into a marriage that is doomed from the start. Marriage and children are huge leaps of faith. And Lord knows, my faith is not yet that strong. But at the same time, I have to remember to "not let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game". I repeat: I am PETRIFIED of divorce. To me, divorce equates giving up, but at the same time, for some, it is a resolution to a problem that started with a doomed-from-the-start marriage. So, what is the perfect marriage? How do you know without a shadow of a doubt that this one person is going to be yours forever? I know the answer to this question is as relative as "the meaning of life", but I need some perspective. I know marriage is in my future. I am okay with the unknown involved in that. The question is, how do I conquer the fear of divorce? Not only that, but how do I define my deal breakers without being "unattainable"? And above all, how do I keep the essence of me in the midst?
Until next time, peace and love
May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face
Monday, February 28, 2011
Saturday, February 26, 2011
The Grace Card
We all have a "least of these" and showing them compassion and mercy is a challenge, but a rewarding challenge. But what about grace? What the heck is grace? I was schooled last night. It involves the compassion and mercy. It surpasses a description existing in my vocabulary. Action is grace. I highly recommend "The Grace Card" as a family movie. It is PG-13 for some violence, but it's easily something a child's eyes can be covered for. It definitely opens up conversation. My Special K went and saw it with me, and my "least of these" was also there. I thanked him. He was taken aback as to why I would be grateful to him. I told him, thank you for not giving up. I don't know how I'd react if I lost a friend. The Grace Card that the movie gets it's title from is written in child like cursive. It's old, it's rugged, but it's real. It goes a little something like this:
So, how many people in your life need grace? Are you able to show your "least of these" grace? I challenge you to commit this to one person. i ask only one, but if you can manage more, please do. The Grace Card is a powerful commitment, but it's worth it. It truly redefines, "do unto others". There ya go. That's all I've got today :)
Until next time, peace and love
May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.
So, how many people in your life need grace? Are you able to show your "least of these" grace? I challenge you to commit this to one person. i ask only one, but if you can manage more, please do. The Grace Card is a powerful commitment, but it's worth it. It truly redefines, "do unto others". There ya go. That's all I've got today :)
Until next time, peace and love
May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Wish
If wishes were fishes
I'd have the whole sea.
You wouldn't have stayed gone
You'd have ran back to me.
But wishes aren't fishes
Instead more like a flea.
They itch and irritate
Just like you to me.
So listen closely my dear,
I refuse to let you break me.
I threw you out with the trash
Just like you to me.
I pray you learn the truth.
I pray for you daily.
I firmly believe you to be pure evil
For you, I almost sacrificed my sanity.
You know, someone told me you were evil.
I was blinded by your "Christianity"
satan must know it best
To be able to betray it truly.
My wishes aren't fishes
Because I'm right where I need to be.
But remember in all that you do
I will still be me, phenomenally.
2/24/11
I'd have the whole sea.
You wouldn't have stayed gone
You'd have ran back to me.
But wishes aren't fishes
Instead more like a flea.
They itch and irritate
Just like you to me.
So listen closely my dear,
I refuse to let you break me.
I threw you out with the trash
Just like you to me.
I pray you learn the truth.
I pray for you daily.
I firmly believe you to be pure evil
For you, I almost sacrificed my sanity.
You know, someone told me you were evil.
I was blinded by your "Christianity"
satan must know it best
To be able to betray it truly.
My wishes aren't fishes
Because I'm right where I need to be.
But remember in all that you do
I will still be me, phenomenally.
2/24/11
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
If One Person Benefits, I Will Feel Accomplished.
If your partner hits you, what would you do? Would you leave them? Would you go to counseling with them? Would you pray to God it never happened again? Would you stay and work through it with the help of a licensed professional, or would you just put faith in a human being who has fallen short? What would you do?
Let's look at it from a difficult angle. Your partner has a disrespectful way of talking to you. Is it condescending? Would you rather them hit you because it would be over more quickly? Do you let them walk all over you with freshly sharpened spurs? Would you leave? Would you go to counseling with them? Would you pray to God it never happened again? What would you do?
Here's another angle. Has your partner ever made you do something you didn't want to do, to which you objected? Told you, "if you love me, you'll _______". Have you given in, because you believed that this person loves you, and wouldn't do anything to hurt you? What would you do?
Now let's get hypothetical. Let's say this has been happening for awhile. Let's say you watched them do this to someone else before they were your partner. Let's say you let them walk all over you because you're so blinded in "love" that you are obedient to their every whim. You'd "catch a grenade" for them. Would they do the same? They take advantage of this "love" and tell you after they have hurt you that they, too, love you and that they "don't know what came over" them. Have you heard it? Have you said it? Do you even know it's happening?
STOP! THERE'S A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LOVE, AND RESPECT.
I have seen it happen, people do in fact change. Do not mistake me, I do believe in love. I believe in the transforming effect that love can have. I also believe that with love, comes respect. One must respect their partner. Playing into one's Oedipus complex is not being respected. Just as love, abuse knows no gender. THIS IS ABUSE.
Don't believe me? Ask someone. Take a poll on the street. I've been there done that. Yes, couples argue. Yes, they disagree. An argument or disagreement should NEVER lead to violence, or disrespect. If your partner needs their Oedipus complex fed, tell them to go back home to Momma and Daddy. We are put on this earth to love, and parent our young(however they may come to us). We are not put here to raise an adult. If you are entering into an adult relationship, then you should both act like adults. If you are not a whole, complete person entering into it, you will be the same broken person when you aren't in it.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Unfortunately. But YOU CAN GET OUT. If you've left once, you can leave again. Because just like them, you too can become a repeat offender. LEAVE. Just because they sucked you in, doesn't mean you can't let go. Trust me. There is someone even better than the best times you've had with that person. Guilt, is mental abuse. Shame, is emotional abuse. Touching, hitting, punching, is physical abuse. "If you love me then you'll ______", is (usually) sexual abuse. Respect yourself and leave. If they want you badly enough, they will learn to respect you, in tandem with loving you. They have to earn you. You are a prize. You won the race in the very beginning. You are a winner. You are chosen. Wanna know what love really is? Forget what ya' heard. Here's what I know:
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
Take it to heart. If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship and can't get out, call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline at 1.800.799.SAFE (7233). It does get better.
Until next time, peace and love
May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.
Let's look at it from a difficult angle. Your partner has a disrespectful way of talking to you. Is it condescending? Would you rather them hit you because it would be over more quickly? Do you let them walk all over you with freshly sharpened spurs? Would you leave? Would you go to counseling with them? Would you pray to God it never happened again? What would you do?
Here's another angle. Has your partner ever made you do something you didn't want to do, to which you objected? Told you, "if you love me, you'll _______". Have you given in, because you believed that this person loves you, and wouldn't do anything to hurt you? What would you do?
Now let's get hypothetical. Let's say this has been happening for awhile. Let's say you watched them do this to someone else before they were your partner. Let's say you let them walk all over you because you're so blinded in "love" that you are obedient to their every whim. You'd "catch a grenade" for them. Would they do the same? They take advantage of this "love" and tell you after they have hurt you that they, too, love you and that they "don't know what came over" them. Have you heard it? Have you said it? Do you even know it's happening?
STOP! THERE'S A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LOVE, AND RESPECT.
I have seen it happen, people do in fact change. Do not mistake me, I do believe in love. I believe in the transforming effect that love can have. I also believe that with love, comes respect. One must respect their partner. Playing into one's Oedipus complex is not being respected. Just as love, abuse knows no gender. THIS IS ABUSE.
Don't believe me? Ask someone. Take a poll on the street. I've been there done that. Yes, couples argue. Yes, they disagree. An argument or disagreement should NEVER lead to violence, or disrespect. If your partner needs their Oedipus complex fed, tell them to go back home to Momma and Daddy. We are put on this earth to love, and parent our young(however they may come to us). We are not put here to raise an adult. If you are entering into an adult relationship, then you should both act like adults. If you are not a whole, complete person entering into it, you will be the same broken person when you aren't in it.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Unfortunately. But YOU CAN GET OUT. If you've left once, you can leave again. Because just like them, you too can become a repeat offender. LEAVE. Just because they sucked you in, doesn't mean you can't let go. Trust me. There is someone even better than the best times you've had with that person. Guilt, is mental abuse. Shame, is emotional abuse. Touching, hitting, punching, is physical abuse. "If you love me then you'll ______", is (usually) sexual abuse. Respect yourself and leave. If they want you badly enough, they will learn to respect you, in tandem with loving you. They have to earn you. You are a prize. You won the race in the very beginning. You are a winner. You are chosen. Wanna know what love really is? Forget what ya' heard. Here's what I know:
1 Corinthians 13
1 If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
Take it to heart. If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship and can't get out, call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline at 1.800.799.SAFE (7233). It does get better.
Until next time, peace and love
May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.
Monday, February 21, 2011
My Least of These...
So after all of my picture burning, I finished my week, and, boy, it couldn't end fast enough. Got my new phone, but Thursday, I missed the bus, and Friday I plain overslept. Thursday got better because I had a great friend over for dinner. I thought I had lost her in the "divorce", but it was the exact opposite. We had a great evening and great conversation. We cleared the air, and everything is peachy again! Friday, was ugh. I even wore my slippers to work because I was so frazzled. Girls night was just the ticket. The lovely Paige and I went to Hamburger Mary's and Charlie's and we had a BLAST. I needed a night to let loose and she was happy to provide. I had not had such a great night out, literally, since she and I went to Tracks well over a year ago. I'm so glad that we are able to function platonically(LOL). Makes for a better relationship as a whole. I've missed spending time with her and I'm sick to know how she was treated when I wasn't looking. But, that's water under the bridge. Saturday I had a lead on a car, but it was sold right under me, while I was on my way. So we went to lunch, and then later went to D&B for some gaming. Mads and her BIFF, Kat, came back to my house and Mads cooked breakfast. YUM. I went to church, and I was invigorated by the spirit. A few tear ups, but I was in awe of the spirit. The topic was leaving a legacy. It really made me think about what kind of a legacy I will leave. I don't have any assets, so although I need a will for my final wishes, I have nothing really materialistic to leave. How do I want to be remembered? Do I want to be remembered for being spiteful and vengeful? Do I want to be remembered for being loving and compassionate? I'll take the latter. I've been working on that because I don't want to be that person that no one wants to be around because I am so mean. I will always be honest, do not be mistaken, but a little less brutal is always nice.
Momma², it's probably best if you stop here. Should you choose not to, I can't be held responsible for what I'm about to say. Don't say I didn't warn you.
As I said in a previous post, I wanted the mercy and compassion to flow through me when I spoke to my new "least of these". I wondered how I would make the love flow through. Who am I to judge? I don't agree with him, but who am I to judge? He is still my friend. If I were in the mental space in which he resides right now, the last thing I would need is my friends abandoning me. Do unto others, as you would have them to do unto you. So, I did just that. I know what mental darkness is. I used to reside there, receive my mail there, and quite frankly, it's ugly. I can't, in good faith, stand back and watch that happen to someone else. Again, I don't agree, but who am I to judge? He has brought a lot of my demons to light, inadvertently, and without that, I wouldn't be the person I am now. He's like a brother to me. because he brought me back to Christ. I looked him in the eye, and told him, "Do not be that phone call. Whatever you do, no matter how dark it gets, DO NOT GIVE UP. It's a cowardly way out, and I do not want that phone call." He stared at me and started to cry. He asked me, "Will I lose you?" I looked at him, and said, "It takes a lot more than a mistake to get rid of me. If God can love a wretch like me, why can't I show love to you?" It's true. I finished with this: "You are going to get through this. This mountain is going to be a difficult one to climb, but you will get to the other side. You'll reach the top and be ecstatic, because you made it through. After that, you'll run down the other side. There will be storms along the ascent, but you will come out of them. I'm a text away, and now even a BBM(BlackBerry Messenger) away. I respect your privacy, as well as theirs, and I am here for you. I promise. If anyone knows the darkness in your head right now, it's me. There are things I will take to the grave, but let me tell you, this darkness will go away. You just have to have faith. He brought you to it, and He will get you through it. DON'T GIVE UP. Love you, bro". I got a smirk from the BBM comment. He hugged me and I went on my way. It feels like the right thing to do. Show compassion. Pray for the weary, and love them for where they're at(as my Momma says).
Until next time, peace and love
May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.
Momma², it's probably best if you stop here. Should you choose not to, I can't be held responsible for what I'm about to say. Don't say I didn't warn you.
As I said in a previous post, I wanted the mercy and compassion to flow through me when I spoke to my new "least of these". I wondered how I would make the love flow through. Who am I to judge? I don't agree with him, but who am I to judge? He is still my friend. If I were in the mental space in which he resides right now, the last thing I would need is my friends abandoning me. Do unto others, as you would have them to do unto you. So, I did just that. I know what mental darkness is. I used to reside there, receive my mail there, and quite frankly, it's ugly. I can't, in good faith, stand back and watch that happen to someone else. Again, I don't agree, but who am I to judge? He has brought a lot of my demons to light, inadvertently, and without that, I wouldn't be the person I am now. He's like a brother to me. because he brought me back to Christ. I looked him in the eye, and told him, "Do not be that phone call. Whatever you do, no matter how dark it gets, DO NOT GIVE UP. It's a cowardly way out, and I do not want that phone call." He stared at me and started to cry. He asked me, "Will I lose you?" I looked at him, and said, "It takes a lot more than a mistake to get rid of me. If God can love a wretch like me, why can't I show love to you?" It's true. I finished with this: "You are going to get through this. This mountain is going to be a difficult one to climb, but you will get to the other side. You'll reach the top and be ecstatic, because you made it through. After that, you'll run down the other side. There will be storms along the ascent, but you will come out of them. I'm a text away, and now even a BBM(BlackBerry Messenger) away. I respect your privacy, as well as theirs, and I am here for you. I promise. If anyone knows the darkness in your head right now, it's me. There are things I will take to the grave, but let me tell you, this darkness will go away. You just have to have faith. He brought you to it, and He will get you through it. DON'T GIVE UP. Love you, bro". I got a smirk from the BBM comment. He hugged me and I went on my way. It feels like the right thing to do. Show compassion. Pray for the weary, and love them for where they're at(as my Momma says).
Until next time, peace and love
May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Ashes To Ashes, Dust To Dust
Dear *****,
I have let you go. My hard drive is clean of your face. My home, clean of your photos. My mind, erased. My home, blessed and renewed. You have no power over me any longer. I have forgiven you. I have let go of any dream you ever allowed me to be a part of. I have let go of everything you have ever given me. I have let go of everything you took with you when you left, not excluding, my material possessions, my money, my sanity, my personality, and my life. But there is something that you don't know. You know how much you love country music? Do you know how much I love country music? People who don't like country think it's all about a "tear in my beer, and I'm crying for you dear", right? Well, Modern country is a little better than that. A girl that I would get along with goes by the name of Miranda Lambert. You don't like her very much because your best friend and your cousin have nicknames from one of her songs. But you see, she has this one song. This one song, that just gets me every single time. You know it, you know, the one that goes like
♫You better be careful what you do
I wouldn't wanna be in your shoes
if they ever found you out
you better be careful what you say
it never really added up any way
I got friends in this town
Hey white liar
The truth comes out a little at a time
and it spreads just like a fire
slips off of your tongue like turpentine
and I don't know why
white liar♫
Yeah that one! I love that one because she hits the nail on the head, that is if you were the nail. But you know, she has another line that just suits this even better!
♫Here's a bombshell just for you
turns out I've been lying too♫
But guess what? You'll never know my secret. You don't deserve that satisfaction. So guess what? I forgive you. I forgive you because you do not deserve to have power over me any longer. You no longer control my thoughts. You no longer control my dreams. You no longer control my mind. You no longer control decisions. You have no power. I wish you peace. I can't bring myself to wish you well, but I can wish you peace. I hope one day you can realize how evil you really are. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. And now, you have gotten yours. I didn't have to lift a finger. Told you that karma was a bigger b*tch than I could ever be. Peace, love, and forgiveness.
Always,
Meg
Until next time, peace and love
May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.
I have let you go. My hard drive is clean of your face. My home, clean of your photos. My mind, erased. My home, blessed and renewed. You have no power over me any longer. I have forgiven you. I have let go of any dream you ever allowed me to be a part of. I have let go of everything you have ever given me. I have let go of everything you took with you when you left, not excluding, my material possessions, my money, my sanity, my personality, and my life. But there is something that you don't know. You know how much you love country music? Do you know how much I love country music? People who don't like country think it's all about a "tear in my beer, and I'm crying for you dear", right? Well, Modern country is a little better than that. A girl that I would get along with goes by the name of Miranda Lambert. You don't like her very much because your best friend and your cousin have nicknames from one of her songs. But you see, she has this one song. This one song, that just gets me every single time. You know it, you know, the one that goes like
♫You better be careful what you do
I wouldn't wanna be in your shoes
if they ever found you out
you better be careful what you say
it never really added up any way
I got friends in this town
Hey white liar
The truth comes out a little at a time
and it spreads just like a fire
slips off of your tongue like turpentine
and I don't know why
white liar♫
Yeah that one! I love that one because she hits the nail on the head, that is if you were the nail. But you know, she has another line that just suits this even better!
♫Here's a bombshell just for you
turns out I've been lying too♫
But guess what? You'll never know my secret. You don't deserve that satisfaction. So guess what? I forgive you. I forgive you because you do not deserve to have power over me any longer. You no longer control my thoughts. You no longer control my dreams. You no longer control my mind. You no longer control decisions. You have no power. I wish you peace. I can't bring myself to wish you well, but I can wish you peace. I hope one day you can realize how evil you really are. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. And now, you have gotten yours. I didn't have to lift a finger. Told you that karma was a bigger b*tch than I could ever be. Peace, love, and forgiveness.
Always,
Meg
Until next time, peace and love
May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Valentine's Day
So I wore black today, just to be ironic, but I put on a pink tank and even wore a heart on my necklace. I decided that today would be a good day, regardless of how many bouquets I delivered. That count was 3, for the record. This Valentine's Day is different from any other. I should be a bumbling, blubbering, idiot. Well, I'm not blubbering today. Today I didn't get all dressed up. I didn't do my hair. I didn't even do my makeup. I didn't get flowers. I didn't make a reservation at a fancy restaurant. I didn't do my nails. I didn't get a box of chocolates. What I did get, meant more to me than any of that. I got some thin mints, a visit and hugs from my Momma² & my sister of the heart Letha May, and the ability(for the first time in a long time) to hear God's voice speaking to me like a daughter. It didn't take tears, today. It just took the tears and an exorcism(for lack of a better term) yesterday. His voice was not cloudy. His voice was not like a bad cell phone connection any longer. His voice was clear, comforting, and, quite honestly, sounded very similar to my Daddy. I got the devil off my back. his voice sounded strangely like a voice from the past--go figure. God has blessed me more than for which I could ever ask today.
******the above was typed early in the evening******
God showed me tonight, just how big satan is, and how much bigger He is. Again, my family of the heart deserves privacy and peace. satan sucks. Just saying. To all involved, God brought you to it, and only He will get you through it. But you knew that :). I love all of you and I'm here for all of you. You WILL get through to the other side. This mountain will be steep, but remember, God is your harness, and He will catch you.
Until next time, peace and love
May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.
******the above was typed early in the evening******
God showed me tonight, just how big satan is, and how much bigger He is. Again, my family of the heart deserves privacy and peace. satan sucks. Just saying. To all involved, God brought you to it, and only He will get you through it. But you knew that :). I love all of you and I'm here for all of you. You WILL get through to the other side. This mountain will be steep, but remember, God is your harness, and He will catch you.
Until next time, peace and love
May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
God Opens Doors
Today, I prayed for guidance, direction, mercy, an open door to let it all go, and peace.(I say today because it was before I fell asleep at 4am, and again later today) I got all five. "...ask and ye shall receive..." Philippians 4:6. I woke up this morning with a clearer idea of what I might have in store for my future. God told me the Navy. I asked Him to guide my hands to make that beginning.
I pitched the idea both Momma, and Momma². I pitched the idea to my Grandpa, the Navy veteran. I pitched it to my Nanny, the former Navy wife. I pitched it to my Daddy, the one who has shown me mercy like the father in the parable of The Prodigal Son. The Mommas' responses were, "Wow, ok" and "Really?", respectively. Grandpa's and Nanny's were "I think it will be very good for you. I'm proud of you". Daddy's response was, "Let me make sure this is what you want, that you're prepared for it, and I'm proud of you". Pretty groovy, huh? So, I called the recruiter, and they will be calling me sometime this week. Guidance and direction: mission accomplished for today.
Next came finding the words to speak mercifully to a friend. My friend is in some turmoil. Not to say that it isn't self inflicted, but turmoil is scary. I wanted to be a different kind of friend than I normally am, in that I would look at this person and say "REALLY? SERIOUSLY? WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?" But this situation is different. This called for compassion. My friend has been saying that to himself already, so why would I do that to him? I got my answered prayer today. I found the words to say. I made sure to let the people around me know, that I have the words. The person I thought would be affected most, told me she wanted me to talk to him if I had the words to say. I said "okay", and walked the 15 feet to my friend, who was in a ball at the alter, shaking, and crying. I put my hand in the small of his back, and told him what God told me to say. "Give it to God, and it will be okay. You will come out of this. I promise." If God can love a wretch like me, then why can't I show that same love. Obviously, for those involved, it's different, but I know where they stand, and that's okay. My friend didn't know I was there, and I texted him later to let him know, I was, and repeated what I had said before. Mercy, mission accomplished for today.
Next came the open door, for which I was not expecting such instant gratification. Thanks again, Big Guy! The texts that I questioned Friday, were answered after an intense night of prayer. When I say after, I mean like the moment I walked out of the church. Yeah. She told me she asked because she cares. %^&*(*&^%$%^&*( SAY WHAT? Stay with me here. I had an inkling that she had typed that to the wrong person. I was right, but did she say that? NO. She lied. AGAIN. Surprised? Nah. She told me that she cares and that she was worried. I told her I'm obviously not okay, and that I wanted her to stay gone. The fact that she texted me didn't help the "trying to get over her" situation. She told me if I wanted to talk just let her know. $%^&*&^%$%^&*(&^%$ I repeat: SAY WHAT? I told her that I couldn't talk to her because we both know that I would be angry, and that since she wasn't texting to fix what she had ruined, I didn't care to hear from her, which I followed with, "still wanna talk?". I proceeded to reiterate every little thing she did to wrong me, from lying to me, proposing and leaving, lying to everyone that meant anything to me, cheating on me, stealing from me, leaving me in financial turmoil, to, (OH let's not forget) taking money from me. With every text, I said, "still wanna talk?" I then told her I knew she had been stalking my blog, I knew she meant to send the text to someone else, and that because she tried so hard to break me, (and I let her), she deserved the hell she gets. I told her she is satan in the flesh, and hell suits her. I also told her I would pray for her. Finishing, I told her the only way she would get civility from me, was for her to get her s&*^ together, pay me the money she owes me, and forgive herself. In addition, in order to forgive oneself, one must know their transgressions. Now she does. Not only do I know that the text was never meant for me, but I reminded her I knew she had been stalking this very blog. She responded with "alright already. that's enough". To which I said, "You wanted to talk. You got what you asked for." And that is all she wrote, ladies and gents. I asked God for a door to open to find peace. He did just that. Open door and peace to follow: mission accomplished for today.
Momma² spiritually cleansed her house tonight and I must say, I stole her idea. I just finished praying in every room of my apartment, for peace, and a fresh start. Erase the old memories, create new. I'm learning to drown out satan's voice with God's. It's hard because satan has a loud voice. But I'll get there. I'm wore out. I feel 50 pounds lighter since I said it all to her. It's out, it's gone, and I'm praying for no more tears over her.
Until next time, peace and love
May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.
I pitched the idea both Momma, and Momma². I pitched the idea to my Grandpa, the Navy veteran. I pitched it to my Nanny, the former Navy wife. I pitched it to my Daddy, the one who has shown me mercy like the father in the parable of The Prodigal Son. The Mommas' responses were, "Wow, ok" and "Really?", respectively. Grandpa's and Nanny's were "I think it will be very good for you. I'm proud of you". Daddy's response was, "Let me make sure this is what you want, that you're prepared for it, and I'm proud of you". Pretty groovy, huh? So, I called the recruiter, and they will be calling me sometime this week. Guidance and direction: mission accomplished for today.
Next came finding the words to speak mercifully to a friend. My friend is in some turmoil. Not to say that it isn't self inflicted, but turmoil is scary. I wanted to be a different kind of friend than I normally am, in that I would look at this person and say "REALLY? SERIOUSLY? WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?" But this situation is different. This called for compassion. My friend has been saying that to himself already, so why would I do that to him? I got my answered prayer today. I found the words to say. I made sure to let the people around me know, that I have the words. The person I thought would be affected most, told me she wanted me to talk to him if I had the words to say. I said "okay", and walked the 15 feet to my friend, who was in a ball at the alter, shaking, and crying. I put my hand in the small of his back, and told him what God told me to say. "Give it to God, and it will be okay. You will come out of this. I promise." If God can love a wretch like me, then why can't I show that same love. Obviously, for those involved, it's different, but I know where they stand, and that's okay. My friend didn't know I was there, and I texted him later to let him know, I was, and repeated what I had said before. Mercy, mission accomplished for today.
Next came the open door, for which I was not expecting such instant gratification. Thanks again, Big Guy! The texts that I questioned Friday, were answered after an intense night of prayer. When I say after, I mean like the moment I walked out of the church. Yeah. She told me she asked because she cares. %^&*(*&^%$%^&*( SAY WHAT? Stay with me here. I had an inkling that she had typed that to the wrong person. I was right, but did she say that? NO. She lied. AGAIN. Surprised? Nah. She told me that she cares and that she was worried. I told her I'm obviously not okay, and that I wanted her to stay gone. The fact that she texted me didn't help the "trying to get over her" situation. She told me if I wanted to talk just let her know. $%^&*&^%$%^&*(&^%$ I repeat: SAY WHAT? I told her that I couldn't talk to her because we both know that I would be angry, and that since she wasn't texting to fix what she had ruined, I didn't care to hear from her, which I followed with, "still wanna talk?". I proceeded to reiterate every little thing she did to wrong me, from lying to me, proposing and leaving, lying to everyone that meant anything to me, cheating on me, stealing from me, leaving me in financial turmoil, to, (OH let's not forget) taking money from me. With every text, I said, "still wanna talk?" I then told her I knew she had been stalking my blog, I knew she meant to send the text to someone else, and that because she tried so hard to break me, (and I let her), she deserved the hell she gets. I told her she is satan in the flesh, and hell suits her. I also told her I would pray for her. Finishing, I told her the only way she would get civility from me, was for her to get her s&*^ together, pay me the money she owes me, and forgive herself. In addition, in order to forgive oneself, one must know their transgressions. Now she does. Not only do I know that the text was never meant for me, but I reminded her I knew she had been stalking this very blog. She responded with "alright already. that's enough". To which I said, "You wanted to talk. You got what you asked for." And that is all she wrote, ladies and gents. I asked God for a door to open to find peace. He did just that. Open door and peace to follow: mission accomplished for today.
Momma² spiritually cleansed her house tonight and I must say, I stole her idea. I just finished praying in every room of my apartment, for peace, and a fresh start. Erase the old memories, create new. I'm learning to drown out satan's voice with God's. It's hard because satan has a loud voice. But I'll get there. I'm wore out. I feel 50 pounds lighter since I said it all to her. It's out, it's gone, and I'm praying for no more tears over her.
Until next time, peace and love
May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
What Might Have Been
Have you ever had a night terror? A dream so intense that it outdoes the term "dream", so intense that you can't escape it, no matter how you fight, no escape?
That happened to me last night. My only escape was my eyes burning from tears. I dreamt for 10 hours about what might have been. Not only was there what might have been, but what could be. My imagination got away from me, because I have been stifling it for months. Because if I had let my imagination run wild like I normally do, I'd be institutionalized. Subconsciously, apparently, I am incredibly screwed up, and we all know about what. Sure I let it show sometimes, but again if I let it show all the time, I'd be institutionalized.
I dreamt for hours about the past. The pleasant past. I dreamt of the future we had planned, the children, the life, the careers, etc. Then, at about the 9 hour mark(or so it felt), the dream changed. It became the two of us, and that precious little girl, Kylie Rae. The three of us were in matching button down collared shirts with blue and white vertical stripes. We were all wearing jeans, and boots. Our hair was done, my makeup impeccable, and Kylie Rae had bows in her hair. It was family portrait day. She and I had started to have a disagreement, but we stopped, talked it out, and I was forgiven with the warmest embrace, and the sweetest kiss. Our daughter giggled. she place her hands between our sets of knees and pushed us apart, just enough to fit her little body.
I definitely know that this is completely and utterly imaginary. It's just hard to believe that my brain concocted this, and I am consciously aware of the untruth in it. Because I recognize the untruth in all of it, I woke up in a pool of my own tears. I haven't awoke to the sound of my own crying since I was 16. I barely made it to the bathroom to vomit. I crawled back into bed, and there I lay for another hour, crying. Little things all day have brought the tears back. I wrote her a letter, that I don't know if I'll ever send, but you just never know. I've made arrangements for her stuff to get out of my house, without her coming here, and I don't spend the money to ship it to her mom's house.
This was all brought on because she texted me yesterday. She was inquiring as to the location of a W2, that I did not receive. If she would have thought for one second more, she would have known that I would not have received it, because it was to our address with our roommate. But, she didn't think that far, obviously, so she texted me instead. The very next text was, "are you ok?". Excuse my language, but WTF? Why all of a sudden, four months later, does she care? I told her that I didn't have her W2 and that I didn't live at that address any longer. I also asked, "why do you care if I'm ok?". Nothing. I texted her today, asking why she would ask, and I got nothing. Fair. Didn't really want a response, because it would have made me even more sad, but still.
My head hurts from crying. I have eaten. I am about to go make dinner now. I will leave you with the words of Leona Lewis.
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
Even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time
Until next time, peace and love
May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.
That happened to me last night. My only escape was my eyes burning from tears. I dreamt for 10 hours about what might have been. Not only was there what might have been, but what could be. My imagination got away from me, because I have been stifling it for months. Because if I had let my imagination run wild like I normally do, I'd be institutionalized. Subconsciously, apparently, I am incredibly screwed up, and we all know about what. Sure I let it show sometimes, but again if I let it show all the time, I'd be institutionalized.
I dreamt for hours about the past. The pleasant past. I dreamt of the future we had planned, the children, the life, the careers, etc. Then, at about the 9 hour mark(or so it felt), the dream changed. It became the two of us, and that precious little girl, Kylie Rae. The three of us were in matching button down collared shirts with blue and white vertical stripes. We were all wearing jeans, and boots. Our hair was done, my makeup impeccable, and Kylie Rae had bows in her hair. It was family portrait day. She and I had started to have a disagreement, but we stopped, talked it out, and I was forgiven with the warmest embrace, and the sweetest kiss. Our daughter giggled. she place her hands between our sets of knees and pushed us apart, just enough to fit her little body.
I definitely know that this is completely and utterly imaginary. It's just hard to believe that my brain concocted this, and I am consciously aware of the untruth in it. Because I recognize the untruth in all of it, I woke up in a pool of my own tears. I haven't awoke to the sound of my own crying since I was 16. I barely made it to the bathroom to vomit. I crawled back into bed, and there I lay for another hour, crying. Little things all day have brought the tears back. I wrote her a letter, that I don't know if I'll ever send, but you just never know. I've made arrangements for her stuff to get out of my house, without her coming here, and I don't spend the money to ship it to her mom's house.
This was all brought on because she texted me yesterday. She was inquiring as to the location of a W2, that I did not receive. If she would have thought for one second more, she would have known that I would not have received it, because it was to our address with our roommate. But, she didn't think that far, obviously, so she texted me instead. The very next text was, "are you ok?". Excuse my language, but WTF? Why all of a sudden, four months later, does she care? I told her that I didn't have her W2 and that I didn't live at that address any longer. I also asked, "why do you care if I'm ok?". Nothing. I texted her today, asking why she would ask, and I got nothing. Fair. Didn't really want a response, because it would have made me even more sad, but still.
My head hurts from crying. I have eaten. I am about to go make dinner now. I will leave you with the words of Leona Lewis.
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
Even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time
Until next time, peace and love
May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
That's Just Geography.
Ok, so I have drafted like four blogs and still haven't felt like I should post them. A lot of stuff has happened, and continues to happen here in the hourglass of my life and it's been a WHIRLWIND. I guess the drafts just let me vent, go figure. I've had to make some tough decisions recently, and they are about set in motion. I've had to evaluate my finances and since I let someone walk all over them, and my life, I am having to consolidate, downgrade. Without this, I face bankruptcy. My Momma has been extra supportive and I am incredibly grateful. Basically for an upfront fee, I get to start all over. I'd rather break a lease, than get evicted. The same night I had to ponder these decisions, my life took the back burner. My family of the heart is experiencing some incredible trepidation right now. Because I respect their privacy, just as they, mine, all I will say is please pray for them. If you don't pray, fine, send positive vibes, warm energy, whatever, as long as it is positive. satan has shown them his strength, but God's display is bigger, just as He is. They didn't ask for the hell in which they are right now, but these lessons will make their family that much stronger. The Super Dad of 5 said it right, "God has seen worse, and He has a plan." That, He does.
This new year has definitely been what I set out for it to be. Change. Refresh. Cleanse. Though the circumstances are less than ideal, I get it. Purpose. I'm sure learning mine. It has been a humbling week, to say the least. And my humble pie is served lukewarm. I can't waste time being the old, defensive me. Yes, I want revenge, but at the same time, the Super Dad of 5 wins again with, "Pray for mercy." So this is a new one for me. In my case, mercy seems to be separation. That is, until I have to words to live mercy. Until then, Meg is being silent. Keep an eye on me, because this one is HUGE!
Until next time, peace and love
May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.
This new year has definitely been what I set out for it to be. Change. Refresh. Cleanse. Though the circumstances are less than ideal, I get it. Purpose. I'm sure learning mine. It has been a humbling week, to say the least. And my humble pie is served lukewarm. I can't waste time being the old, defensive me. Yes, I want revenge, but at the same time, the Super Dad of 5 wins again with, "Pray for mercy." So this is a new one for me. In my case, mercy seems to be separation. That is, until I have to words to live mercy. Until then, Meg is being silent. Keep an eye on me, because this one is HUGE!
Until next time, peace and love
May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
I Know He Has A Plan...
It's just really hard to accept that right now. I had planned to use my tax returns to get my life back in order. So much for that. In total, I got back $600, and so far, life has gotten in the way. $500 is gone, between getting bills caught up and the stupid tax company charging me, even when they said they wouldn't. I should have been able to get a car last year, but I let a human being take control of my life and I am still picking up the wreckage. I'm still receiving her mail. She's contacting my family when they've asked her not to. I let a human being in and let her take over ME. I feel lost again. I'm trying to find the light at the end of this tunnel, and I know He is showing me the way, but I feel like I'm walking blindly through. This snow is really putting something under my tail to get something with 4 wheels, but at the same time, every message I get from God is so cryptic. I believe in signs, but I am out of my element here. I can't read these signs. I don't really feel like rambling about how I can't get control of my life anymore. So, I'll leave you with some lyrics that describe how I'm feeling.
Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.
You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain.
[CHORUS:]
Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.
You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.
[CHORUS]
I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need here on the ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down
You're on to me, on to me, and all over...
Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
"Gravity"--Sara Bareilles
Until next time, peace and love
May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.
Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.
You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain.
[CHORUS:]
Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.
You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.
[CHORUS]
I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need here on the ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down
You're on to me, on to me, and all over...
Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
"Gravity"--Sara Bareilles
Until next time, peace and love
May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Memories, Blah.
So, I was thinking about a little girl today. She had blonde hair, brown eyes, and the most captivating smile you've ever seen. She was a precious one, you see. The feeling I felt when I saw her face, was the feeling of a mother's love. Her name, was Kylie Rae, and she was my daughter. Her overalls and boots were always covered in mud. She always was finding some kind of animal. I haven't thought of this little girl in a long time.
~*#@PAUSE@#*~ I have never physically had a child, nor have I been pregnant. Just go with it, k?
Her mother and I cared for her in our home, that we had built, both by heart and by hand. Our rural home was surrounded by the pine trees of the Appalachians. I was almost done with my degree. I was raising a family. I was happily married. I was happy. Every time I have thought of her and the life I built, my heart smiles. That is, until I realize that it's all a fantasy, and the person I saw next me, is not real.
I have an angel that comforts me, and walks with me, every day. He's my Uncle John, and I am consciously aware of his presence. This fantasy that I had, was shown to me by him. He led me through the scenes, like a movie. The person raising Kylie Rae with me, also had this dream, and told me about it before I told her about having it. It all seemed surreal. It all seemed staged, but how could that have been? I didn't tell her about my dream first. In my mind, I can create a world that I can see and is so vivid, it's like the Technicolor awakening in The Wizard Of Oz, bright, and bold. I can create a character in my head, such as Kylie Rae, with whom I can bond. I can believe my dreams, because most of the time, they are similar to premonitions. God speaks to me in dreams. I had a dream about my grandpa, dying of a heart attack. The following morning, he had open heart surgery, and I had not been informed prior. I am a big believer in my dreams. I have dreamt about Kylie Rae quite a few times. I miss the idea of her. That is the hardest part of letting go, completely, of the past. I desired to make that dream come true. This little girl became my inspiration to let it be, and just roll with it. It is because of this metaphorical girl, that I want to be that person, but better, so that I may, one day, have a similar dream come true. I know that God's got it all figured out, and that I really don't know squat. I just am impatient. I need patience, and it's hard to keep up with the tests. I miss the idea of the past. I despise the person that I was, and with whom I was. I am battling with letting go of my "dead" idea; my "dead" daughter. I would never say I know what it feels like to lose a child. I hope I never have to know. I do, however, know what the death of a dream is like. It's devastating. It also makes me wonder how messed up in the head I am, to mourn the death of a dream; someone who never existed in the human form. I have to trust God. I have to. Easier said than done, sometimes.
Until next time, peace and love
May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.
~*#@PAUSE@#*~ I have never physically had a child, nor have I been pregnant. Just go with it, k?
Her mother and I cared for her in our home, that we had built, both by heart and by hand. Our rural home was surrounded by the pine trees of the Appalachians. I was almost done with my degree. I was raising a family. I was happily married. I was happy. Every time I have thought of her and the life I built, my heart smiles. That is, until I realize that it's all a fantasy, and the person I saw next me, is not real.
I have an angel that comforts me, and walks with me, every day. He's my Uncle John, and I am consciously aware of his presence. This fantasy that I had, was shown to me by him. He led me through the scenes, like a movie. The person raising Kylie Rae with me, also had this dream, and told me about it before I told her about having it. It all seemed surreal. It all seemed staged, but how could that have been? I didn't tell her about my dream first. In my mind, I can create a world that I can see and is so vivid, it's like the Technicolor awakening in The Wizard Of Oz, bright, and bold. I can create a character in my head, such as Kylie Rae, with whom I can bond. I can believe my dreams, because most of the time, they are similar to premonitions. God speaks to me in dreams. I had a dream about my grandpa, dying of a heart attack. The following morning, he had open heart surgery, and I had not been informed prior. I am a big believer in my dreams. I have dreamt about Kylie Rae quite a few times. I miss the idea of her. That is the hardest part of letting go, completely, of the past. I desired to make that dream come true. This little girl became my inspiration to let it be, and just roll with it. It is because of this metaphorical girl, that I want to be that person, but better, so that I may, one day, have a similar dream come true. I know that God's got it all figured out, and that I really don't know squat. I just am impatient. I need patience, and it's hard to keep up with the tests. I miss the idea of the past. I despise the person that I was, and with whom I was. I am battling with letting go of my "dead" idea; my "dead" daughter. I would never say I know what it feels like to lose a child. I hope I never have to know. I do, however, know what the death of a dream is like. It's devastating. It also makes me wonder how messed up in the head I am, to mourn the death of a dream; someone who never existed in the human form. I have to trust God. I have to. Easier said than done, sometimes.
Until next time, peace and love
May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.
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