I miss him more and more as the years pass. He lived a great life. He served in WWII. He married my amazing Mimi. He gave life to my amazing Pop, and my wonderful Aunt Sissy. He loved God, and read to me from the Bible every chance he got. He read to me the World Book encyclopedia. He taught me how to be myself. He helped to mold me into the woman I have become. October 3, 2004 was a day that changed my life forever.
I remember every detail of when I got the call. Pop and I weren't really on very good terms at all, but because it involved Papaw, I was willing to talk. I was in Branson, MO. My mom has taken us on a weekend trip, and we stayed at the Days Inn. When Pop called that Saturday morning to tell me he wasn't doing well, my mom said to just enjoy our trip, because all we would do was sit around and worry. We enjoyed the day, had a great night, and that Sunday, Pop called again. This time, the news was very different. I could hear the pain and tears in my father's voice. I'd only heard that one other time. "He's gone. He's out of pain now. He's with God." I collapsed in sobs. Instead of seeking God in my time of grief, I sought other outlets.
I sunk into my deepest depression on record. I was rude, insensitive, obnoxious, and most of all, mean. I found ways to "relieve" my emotional pain. All I did was hurt people, myself, but most importantly, God. Sure, I kept in character, and went to church, and did everything else the same, but I was going through the motions. I didn't mean any of it. I was hiding from God, and although He was seeking me, I did everything I could to avoid Him. I tried to rebuild my relationship with my dad, but the wounds were still too fresh. I know that every single time I took a blade to my skin, God wept. I know that every single time I did a pill a "friend" said would make me feel good, God wept. I was 15, and my spiritual rebellion was merely beginning. God already knew what I had in store for me, but I didn't get to rock bottom until a year later. Within a matter of 5 months, I lost my Papaw, I was disowned by my father, and I was uprooted from my home and moved to a completely different time zone. Deeper, and deeper I sank. It wasn't until March of 2006 that God got a hold of me. I didn't acknowledge Him as the seeker, but it was Him all along. A teacher reported me for a poem I'd written. She was worried that I was a danger to myself. She didn't realize how right she was, until my psych eval. Things changed for the better. I felt so ashamed that I had let a death get to me so deeply, more so that I didn't choose the right path to get out of the hole. Fast forward to 2011.
I gave my heart to Jesus on January 16, 2011. I felt like my angels from Heaven were closer to me than ever before. Now that I am back in the game, I know that I will see those angels again soon. Until then I know that God has my infantry of angels holding me, guiding me, and protecting me--every step of the way. Thank you God for giving me a "new and improved" Papaw, who is always with me. I miss your singing Papaw, and when I get to Heaven, we will both "sing and shout the victory!"
Until next time, peace and love
May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.
No comments:
Post a Comment