The Sacrament of Marriage.

Before I start, I want to say, Momma(the first one =]), please know that I am not trying to make you feel badly for the choices that had to be made. I know anything different would have made me a different person, that I don't know that I'd want to be. Thank you for molding me.
 
Have you ever wanted something so badly, that you're terrified of getting it? Have you ever craved something so much you could sense it(i.e. feel, taste, hear, see)? Yeah, me too. That thing for me is marriage. The only problem, I'm terrified of it. I'm terrified of knowing I could be just another statistic. Before I go any further, just letting you all know that this has nothing to do with whether or not I have the right to marry whomever I choose. It's about marriage in general. I am petrified of divorce. I am a child of divorce. I know what it does to a kid. I also know that what might have happened, had my parents remained married, would have been worse. I know that the relationship I was in, ended because God was showing me that I am nowhere near ready for a marriage. If I entered into the sacrament of marriage when I wanted to, I would have tainted it worse than any human being could imagine. I would not have cheated. I would not have dishonored my partner in any physical way. I would have dishonored my partner in mental ways. I crave to settle down, but I am not yet ready to be tamed.
Marriage, a blessed event that binds two souls together in a spirit-filled bond. Until I reached adulthood, I had not yet seen a marriage that lasted. And if I had, it was a second, or sometimes third, marriage. No one I knew got it right on the first try. That was until I realized my uncle's roommate, was actually his husband. I realized that I had an example of a marriage right in front of me. Regardless of rights, they are married in spirit. They have been together almost as long as I have been alive. As an adult, I have come to know them as a married couple. Another married couple I have come to know, and love, are my church family, my Momma² and the Super Dad of 5. They're not perfect by any stretch of the imagination. As conceited as this sounds, I'll never forget something that I said to Momma² about a year ago. I told her that she and her husband are an inspiration to me. I also said I hoped to have a love and relationship like that someday. I was, of course, referring to the relationship of the moment, but I learned that God wants the same for me; a lasting relationship built on a strong foundation of faith, hope, and love.
Divorce. A word, and practice, so common in American English, that 50% of the population has experienced and every human over the age of 6 knows the word. Think about the children of the 50% who have been divorced. You have to wonder, is two Christmases worth the agony of your parents fighting? One would hope that with divorce, comes a proverbial "calming of the waters" within the now broken family. Lies. There are, of course, exceptions to every rule but in my experience,the fights continue with different subject matter, yet identical intensity. Divorce is one of my worst fears for myself, because I plan on building a family. However, I refuse to bring children into a marriage that is doomed from the start. Marriage and children are huge leaps of faith. And Lord knows, my faith is not yet that strong. But at the same time, I have to remember to "not let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game". I repeat: I am PETRIFIED of divorce. To me, divorce equates giving up, but at the same time, for some, it is a resolution to a problem that started with a doomed-from-the-start marriage. So, what is the perfect marriage? How do you know without a shadow of a doubt that this one person is going to be yours forever? I know the answer to this question is as relative as "the meaning of life", but I need some perspective. I know marriage is in my future. I am okay with the unknown involved in that. The question is, how do I conquer the fear of divorce? Not only that, but how do I define my deal breakers without being "unattainable"? And above all, how do I keep the essence of me in the midst?

Until next time, peace and love

May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face