The Separation Process...

So she is "in the process" of moving out. Right now, it's a love/hate relationship. I don't hate her by any means, although she seems to think if I did hate her, this would be easier. Nope. I can't hate her. I love that I am able to see her face, but at the same time I can't stand to see it. It hurts entirely too much. I fell apart Thursday night and had to stay at my best friend's house because I could not be in this apartment. Everything became real. Yesterday I was home and she was looking at a place, but it wasn't to her standards, so she passed. Yet, she still picks up the phone when work calls, so she's putting off moving yet again. I came home last night after Rocky Horror was a bust, because it was sold out, and she was here... with Houstan. Her "best friend". Just a few nights ago, Houstan was here with her, and they were laying in bed together. That was the official beginning of everything becoming real. I have never had to witness the person I love in bed with someone else, regardless of their relationship. Then, when they were going to bed, they closed the French doors on our bedroom. The ones that have never been shut before. She claims to understand how much I'm hurting. I told her there isn't a chance. I am asked by various people, rightfully so, when I'm not with her, "Hey, where's Cassie?" I tell them I don't know. My friends have been just what I needed recently, because they have been there when I need them. She accused me of being an alcoholic. That accusation, cut me to the bone. If that was her intention, then she succeeded. She claims to not know if she wants to be with me. In recent events, she has proved to me that she has made up her mind. She's done. Now, I need to be done. It's just going to take me quite a bit of time, and lots of counseling to be done. I need to move on. Would I still jump in front of a train for her, yes. Do I still believe that if she showed up on my doorstep at anytime in the future and said, "baby, I was wrong" that I would take her back and work through this? Absolutely. Check back in a few months, but I am certain I will feel the same way. I am going to remove myself from her life so that she may get the help she so badly needs. I am going to remove her from my life so that I may get the help that I so badly need. I have felt an overwhelming wave of support lately and my connection with God has only gotten stronger. He knows I am in a mess of pain right now, but I know that even in the darkest of times, I have to be strong and be thankful. I make sure to outweigh my help prayers with appreciative prayers. I woke up this morning, Thank The Lord. I thank Him, multiple times a day, for giving me the strength, courage, and forgiveness to rebuild my relationship with my Momma. I stayed with my Momma last night when I noticed that Houstan was here. She has been amazing, both to and for me, these past few weeks. I actually ate three meals today. I kept them down too. I'm helping her move, whether she knows it or not. She just told me she signed the paperwork. She'll be out by Thursday. So, I moved her dresser out of my bedroom, as well as her TV and DVD player. If she's gonna mooch, she ain't living in my bedroom. She also isn't getting the premium cable. She is not allowed to have anymore "overnight guests". If people need a place to stay, they shouldn't call her, because she is staying with me until she moves. Her friends never once asked me if they could stay here. She did. With the way I'm acting, she'll probably never come back, but that's a decision she, and I, will live with. I also have to live with knowing I tried to do all I could to save it, but it was not a mutual effort. She will have to deal with the decision of leaving me. if I was All the while, I'm looking out for myself and my mental health. Clean break. Clean slate. If being a raving lunatic is what it takes to get that clean break, then so be it. I tried being nice. It fell upon deaf ears. Is this all hurting me? Absolutely, but I know that I need to renew my relationship with myself. And that, ladies and gents, is what I'll do. Until next time, peace and love.