Fear

Right now I am waiting for her to come to the apartment to talk. I don't know what she is going to say, but I know I'm terrified of what my gut says. I really hope I'm paranoid and that it's going to work itself out. Hope only goes so far. My head, heart, and gut are all saying different things. My head is telling me to ignore my gut. My heart is saying listen to my head and to ignore my gut and that it's paranoia. My gut is saying she is coming here to tell me she is done and that she will be making plans to get her stuff out of the apartment. I'm praying for everything to work itself out and I know it will. However in the past, I know that God works on His terms, not mine. I hope He and I agree this time. I want my life back. I want our life back. I love her with everything I have and I am so deeply in love with her. My eyes are burning from crying so much. I pray that God makes us both stronger through this experience, whether or not it works out the way I want it to. My chest hurts from hyperventilating. My abdominal muscles hurt from not being able to keep a whole lot of food down. My heart hurts, both physically and metaphorically, from the stress. My whole body hurts for the lack of actual nutrition. I'm praying for the best and am prepared for the worst... if she'll ever show up...