So we have made a plan. She has until the end of November to figure herself, and her part of us, out. The reason is because she wants to pay her portion of the November rent, seeing as how we hadn't really planned for this financially. That and we pay a month ahead in rent. She got her own bank account today and this was her last direct deposit into our account. As soon as she gets most of her money into the new account(the rest that isn't for OUR bills) I will cancel her card and change the login info. I've changed the password to my computer. I talked to my best friend, who has been extremely supportive when I least expected it, is dead set on getting me out of town for my birthday weekend. We both are public transit dependent so this should be interesting LOL.
The reason I wanted everything figured out is because, again, my gut says that she doesn't want to find a way to be happy with me anymore. I laid everything out. I told her how much I love her and that I promise to walk away when I feel a fight coming. That way, I can process and be the adult that I am, instead of the teenager I used to be, in that I lay into her and let her have it--without processing first. My Daddy always said "your mind is above your mouth for a reason. You have to think first before you speak." I've lost sight of that.
I found out she has been seeing a counselor, mandated by her HR department, because she snapped on a coworker. When she told me that, I told her I wasn't happy for the reason she's in counseling, but I'm already seeing an improvement because she communicated.
I had a face to face interview yesterday and a phone interview today. Two different places, two different industires from each other, and still not fast food. I have set up a savings plan so that I can afford a car with the help of my income tax return.
She made a point last night that she may take longer than a month to figure it all out. And I'm okay with that. Am I gonna wait forever? No. She said that she feels as soon as she gets everything moved out, if that's what she decides to do, she'll change her mind and want to be with me. I told her that I would be okay with that, but I will only do it once. If this happens again, we're done. While I was laying everything out on the table, I told her that I am devoted enough to her, and so deeply in love with her, that if she said said jump, I wouldn't say how high, I'd say from what ledge. I told her that I had lost sight of that and that I'm back in touch with it. She said she knows that the more she makes me wait, the more it hurts me. Yes and no. Yes it's killing me, but in turn is making me a stronger person. I asked God to help me be stronger and He is showing off now. But it's working...
My life will never be the same because of both the positive and negative influences she has had on me. The intimacy, as a whole, is on complete hold, and has been for awhile. I carry her ring with me for the slightest bit of hope and closeness. I saw her put mine in her pocket today. She did stay last night and it was good for both of us because she's been couch surfing and I've been sleeping in an empty apartment. The sound of her breathing never really fazed me until I realized it was like a lullaby. It soothed me to sleep. If she leaves, I'll just have to find a new lullaby, but that's just details.
Her counselor has diagnosed her with PTSD from all of the drama/trauma she has endured in the span of a year and a half. I agree with that but at the same time, wouldn't you want to make an effort to make your life better and overcome the PTSD? Her grandmother had brought it up right before her other grandmother had passed. Her passing was the final nail in Cassie's proverbial coffin. Her best friend leaves for Afghanistan this week and it's tearing her up. She used to cry on my shoulder. Now I'm the last person in her life that she wants to talk to about it. I told her that I understood because her best friend is going to war, and the love of my life doesn't know if she wants the future we had been planning. Neither of us knows the definite outcome of either situation. Her best friend could come home in a body bag. The love of my life could come back in a moving truck.
I told her that if being with me is not what she decides she wants, then because I love her, I will stay away and I want the same respect back. I love her too much to be her friend. I'm too in love with her to be her friend. If in say a year, she calls and says let's work it out, I would make it happen. But she knows I want it to work, and only when she wants the same, will it work. Only time will tell.
Until next time...
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