I'm over this feeling...

Days like these are
Why I cry
Why I laugh
Why I scream
Why I mourn
Why I yearn
Why I desire
Why I pray
Why I curse
Why I smile
Why I grimace
Why I sing
Why I dance
Why I celebrate
Why I bleed
Why I breathe
Why I sleep
Why I live.

I can't seem to break this cycle. I have forgiven, yet I have not forgotten. I still seem to push your sins to the back burner. "It's the past", I tell myself. "You've changed", I say. Sure, it angers me, but you seem to creep back into my life ever so often, and I almost feel mended. That is, of course, until I remember that you aren't super glue, but Elmer's and will wash away with my tears. You are quicksand, and I seem to sink no matter what you do. I miss my dream. I miss what was supposed to be real. I thought I had escaped your fantasy world. Apparently, when I'm not looking, you find your doorway back into my life, and you don't even know it.


I'm just in a weird mental state, don't mind my ramblings.


Until next time, peace and love

May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.

Peace Out.

I haven't seen you since that day. I haven't heard your voice. I think about it less, and less as time goes on. You didn't pause for my feelings. You always were good at that. The spotlight was always yours, and I was just a stage hand. You saw what she did to us, and we came out on the other side, but not for long. You knew everything there was to know. You didn't pause for my opinion, for it was always yours that mattered. It feels like a charade, the 5 years. Like I was your stepping stone to your next adventure. I protect my own, and you decided to take that away from me. I learned my place in your life. And with a fell swoop, I learned that my place was to be from the outside looking in. I was never meant to be your life long best friend, it seems. I'm glad you're happy. I hate that it came to this, but it gave me a chance to see what I really had. Consistency was not something I received. I hope for your sake, that this was your practice round, and that I was your crash test dummy. I pray that you are not doing to someone else, what you've done to me. The way that one girl acts, and it makes you cringe? You are her. That's why it makes you so mad. You are the same person. Social media and phones work two ways. If you really wanted me to be in your life, you would have contacted me. Whatever. Live your life! Do you. You know where to find me. Til then, have a good life.



Best friends means I pulled the trigger 
Best friends means you get what you deserve 

May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.

Humility

I am learning this really hard lesson in a very stressful way. I messed up my own life, and now I'm paying for it. I'm caught in the crossfire. I'm having flashbacks to a childhood I have fought so hard to forget. I am hurting for my friends, because I know how this is affecting them. At the same time, I am having a hard time staying out of the crossfire. It's everywhere I go. It's at work too. I'm not sure how that is my fault, but the fault was made mine. I'm either gonna scream, or I'm gonna sob, but I'm going to emote soon, and I'm scared of it. I'm at a point where I have been before, and I'm hiding it pretty well. I got myself into this. I have to either figure out how to deal, or get out. There's a reason I'm here and I know my lesson is looming, but I am not patient. So I figure, that is one of my lessons built in for good measure and torture. In all of this, I am honing in on my Savior.
¹⁰ He says, “Be still, and know that I am God; 
   I will be exalted among the nations, 
   I will be exalted in the earth.”
Psalms 46:10.
Listening to His voice comforts me, soothes me, and revives me. It's hard to hear it sometimes over the bologna in life, but I'm sure trying to listen harder. I have no choice. I'm gonna explode.

Until next time, peace and love

May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.

Spiritual Thanksgiving

Since the last time we met, I donated my hair, and DESPISED the cut I received. So, I got it fixed(courtesy of my sister), and I LOVE it. It's edgy, professional, and my age. I had bouffant hair to begin with. I've had some ups and downs, specifically in the financial realm. Hopefully I balance out soon. I digress.
So, I have been deep in prayer for the past 8-9 weeks in regard to my faith appetite. I was spiritually healthy, but even on a balanced diet, you still need something sweet. Whether that be fruit, or a little chocolate here or there, it releases the endorphins you need to keep your health. My sweet tooth has not been satisfied. So what's a girl to do? Go to God and lay it at his feet. I gave it to him and he slowly showed me a direction to some sweet goodness. It took some time though, because my next prayer was for courage to satisfy that sweet tooth.
**sidebar** Sweets=welcoming congregation
My diet was balanced, and I was getting my fill. I was learning and growing, but I had a weight on my shoulders because I couldn't be me. The denomination does not accept homosexuality. If I had a nickel for every time I heard that I could "pray the gay away", I would not have any financial woes. I have prayed till I was blue in the face for God to make me "normal" or "straight". He didn't change me in that arena. He answered my prayer in a way that I wasn't expecting. I could feel His arms around me as directed me to Genesis 1:27; So God created human beings in his own image. In the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.(NLT). So, I took that as God didn't make a mistake, and this isn't a curse. I was made this way for a reason. Now my goal was to find more people like me. People who have spoken with God and learned that we are "born this way"(Thank you Lady Gaga). I found a list of churches across Colorado that were either "reconciling congregations" or "welcoming congregations", but I found one that just lit up my rainbow heart. Metro Community Church of the Rockies. They're neither of the aforementioned groups. They are primarily a gay congregation. *double take* Chyeah! So I made the decision, after sleeping through my alarm last week for church, that today, Sunday, I would try MCCR. I tried to figure out the words to tell Momma²... I couldn't muster either the courage or the words to tell her. So after I got out of church, and so did my family of the heart, I met them at Chipotle to break the news. Don't get me wrong, I love worshiping with my family of the heart, but I was sure glad they understood when I told them I felt spiritually satisfied after attending MCCR. And let me tell you, once you've had your Thanksgiving style spiritual meal, you feel refreshed--as well as armed when you need strength. Let's just say an encounter happened with one of my "least of these" today. I kept my cool, and never even acknowledged this person's presence--outwardly anyway. It was easy! My heart didn't race. My nails weren't digging into my palms. My toes weren't curling in rage. I merely directed my attention to something else and went about my day. *whew!*
I feel better now, and I feel stronger. As long as I keep with it, I'll be back in shape in no time!

Until next time, peace and love

May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.

With A Somber Heart

Today is my beloved Papaw's Heaven day.

I miss him more and more as the years pass. He lived a great life. He served in WWII. He married my amazing Mimi. He gave life to my amazing Pop, and my wonderful Aunt Sissy. He loved God, and read to me from the Bible every chance he got. He read to me the World Book encyclopedia. He taught me how to be myself. He helped to mold me into the woman I have become. October 3, 2004 was a day that changed my life forever.
I remember every detail of when I got the call. Pop and I weren't really on very good terms at all, but because it involved Papaw, I was willing to talk. I was in Branson, MO. My mom has taken us on a weekend trip, and we stayed at the Days Inn. When Pop called that Saturday morning to tell me he wasn't doing well, my mom said to just enjoy our trip, because all we would do was sit around and worry. We enjoyed the day, had a great night, and that Sunday, Pop called again. This time, the news was very different. I could hear the pain and tears in my father's voice. I'd only heard that one other time. "He's gone. He's out of pain now. He's with God." I collapsed in sobs. Instead of seeking God in my time of grief, I sought other outlets.
I sunk into my deepest depression on record. I was rude, insensitive, obnoxious, and most of all, mean. I found ways to "relieve" my emotional pain. All I did was hurt people, myself, but most importantly, God. Sure, I kept in character, and went to church, and did everything else the same, but I was going through the motions. I didn't mean any of it. I was hiding from God, and although He was seeking me, I did everything I could to avoid Him. I tried to rebuild my relationship with my dad, but the wounds were still too fresh. I know that every single time I took a blade to my skin, God wept. I know that every single time I did a pill a "friend" said would make me feel good, God wept. I was 15, and my spiritual rebellion was merely beginning. God already knew what I had in store for me, but I didn't get to rock bottom until a year later. Within a matter of 5 months, I lost my Papaw, I was disowned by my father, and I was uprooted from my home and moved to a completely different time zone. Deeper, and deeper I sank. It wasn't until March of 2006 that God got a hold of me. I didn't acknowledge Him as the seeker, but it was Him all along. A teacher reported me for a poem I'd written. She was worried that I was a danger to myself. She didn't realize how right she was, until my psych eval. Things changed for the better. I felt so ashamed that I had let a death get to me so deeply, more so that I didn't choose the right path to get out of the hole. Fast forward to 2011.
I gave my heart to Jesus on January 16, 2011. I felt like my angels from Heaven were closer to me than ever before. Now that I am back in the game, I know that I will see those angels again soon. Until then I know that God has my infantry of angels holding me, guiding me, and protecting me--every step of the way. Thank you God for giving me a "new and improved" Papaw, who is always with me. I miss your singing Papaw, and when I get to Heaven, we will both "sing and shout the victory!"

Until next time, peace and love

May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.

Perspective.

I found something that I hadn't expected to find today--a gray hair. IN MY HEAD. That, ladies and gents, is how you know you've been entirely too stressed. Just a glimpse as to how stressed I am: I am SO excited to have oral surgery in October--just to get a week off. I am trying to learn my way in life, love, and Christ, but in every moment of my life, I seem to lose one of the three.

I took a break from blogging, because I entered my cocoon of introversion. I wasn't feeling up to letting anyone in. Since my last post, I got new ink. Momma² came with, to conquer her fears. She says it's one tattoo, I say it's two, so we compromised on my latest total is 5 1/2. I was asked by someone, "At what point are you planning on stopping?" I don't. Some, like Momma², are phenomenal at scrap-booking. I envy that passion and talent. I liken my tattoos to my scrapbook. I have a memory for each one. I have a meaning behind each one. My deadliest sin, my heritage, my values, my homage to find a cure, and my power verse. My tattoos are therapy. Definitely not a therapist I can see routinely, but the ink never stops listening.
A little back story on my new ink:
When I am really stressed, or scared, or insecure(or all three), my Momma tells me to throw on my Wonder Woman cuffs and keep fighting. Hence, the placement.
Next, the context is my favorite verse in the Bible.
1 Corinthians 13:13 "And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." Get it?
This verse gives me the strength to trust God, and fight with the strength He gave me.
 Thus, my power verse, becomes my Wonder Woman cuffs.

 This year, though it isn't over, has been quite the roller coaster. It's been a year of healing, transformation, and modification. I have gained strength that I didn't know was fathomable for me. I have learned which battles are worth fighting, and which ones are better left alone. Believe it, or not, I have learned how to hold my tongue. I may have learned this technique, however, I have not mastered the execution of such. Baby steps.

 I don't know where I'll end up in this life, but I know one thing for sure; as long as I keep my faith, carry on hope, and love with everything I have, I will make it after all.

Until next time, peace and love

May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.

Letter To The Past.

I've been reflecting lately, and I have drafted a letter in my head. It is to bid farewell to the past. Don't assume you are in this. These are directed at memories in my head. I have told anyone and everyone how I feel about them, and this is not intended to be mean. It's my blog, and I am venting. again, don't assume, but if you must, then stop reading and just go back to your life. Here goes.






In my life, there are certain memories of that have since left my mind. When I dance in my underwear and sing into a plastic spork, I can't place something I did
with you. When I cook dinner in my underwear, I don't have a memory for you.
When I lie in bed at night, I can hear my neighbor, and not you grinding your
teeth and snoring simultaneously. I have a feng shui apartment, that doesn't have
any resemblance to how YOU arranged it--except that feces brown wall. Man, I
was a fool for you. Now, you're someone else's fool. You are dead to me. I was
shocked. I was sad. I mourned. Now, you are gone, and I am just fine with it. I
have let you walk all over me. I have let you steam roll me. I have let you control
me. I have let you assault me. I have let you batter me. I have let you love me. I
have let you hate me. All of these things that I have done, pale nothing in
comparison to the fact that you WANTED to do all of these things, and
succeeded. In this life, I will never doubt that you love me. But at the same time, I
don't know that you yet understand that love--still. So with that, instead of taking
a step back and realizing that maybe, just maybe this isn't how it's supposed to
go, you just go with it. I admire it, yet I hate it. You haven't "ruined my life" like a
teenager would say. You have given me indirect wisdom, that I will pass on. For
that, I am regrettably grateful. My life without you in it may seem the same, but it
is different. I am a much stronger, more driven, and more self-reliant than I ever
was with you around. Keep your distance, please, for I have no need for your
closeness any longer.

I feel better now XD  (colors in accordance with the Blogger rainbow)

Until next time, peace and love

May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.